Finding my angel, facing my demon

Love and forgiveness

I followed Alison as she run outside to stop Hanna, but I stayed out of the way when I saw her talking to Hanna. It wasn't my place to get in the middle of that. I went back upstairs and got back in bed. My hand was throbbing, my ribs ached like all hell and on top of that, I felt a headache coming one. I stripped and crawled into bed. The nice, big, warm bed.

It was amazing how amazing the sheets felt against my abused flesh. I hurt all over. After a few moments Alison reentered the bedroom. I could tell that she had cried. Her eyes were red and I could see where the tears had fallen down her face.

"Mind if I get in there with you?" She asked.

It wasn't what I expected her to say but I readily accepted. She removed her clothing then joined me. She cuddled her body against me. Her head on the crook of my arm. Her smooth leg tangled with my own. It was wonderful to feel her glorious legs against my own soft skin. She made light patterns with her fingers against my neck.

"Did you forgive her?" I asked with a kiss to the top of her head. "She misses you, Alison."

"I already had, only I hadn't wanted to see her. She seems to have learned her lesson. We'll be okay, but I don't know if she'll move or not." she whispered against my side, sending shivers through me. "She said you were nice to her."

"I was... it was weird... I felt like her sister or something. I just wanted her to be okay. She reminds me of a little kid." I mumbled. I had already lost all real interest in talking about Hanna.

"I'm glad you are being nice to her. It means a lot to me." She leaned down and kissed my side.

Moments went by in silence but I knew Alison was thinking about something.

"Em?" she said softly against me. "We haven't talked about your offer yet."

I knew what was coming. Make it or break it, I suppose. Everything would depend on how I handled the next conversation. I couldn't get angry when she turned me down, but I knew she would. She was far too smart to agree. I had only been back for a few days, we had only been together for like 36 hours, what kind of idiot would agree to marriage after everything I had done to her. She was being smart and I commended her for that. But it didn't take the sting out of it. Rejection hurts, no matter what.

"Alright." I sighed and sat up, so we could have a proper conversation. I could sense her apprehension. It filled the air in a thick fog, almost. I grabbed her hands in mine and pulled them to my chest. "I love you, Alison It doesn't matter if you don't want to. It was stupid and irrational of me to ask and although I don't regret it, I do understand why you don't want too. Let's just pretend..."

I thought I had a pretty good argument for my position but Alison stopped me.

"Baby, it's not that I don't want to, it's just that it's a bit too soon." She started to cry and it broke my heart. I wanted to grab her and tell her everything was okay, but I let her try to finish. "I'm sorry, I just cant..."

Her sob picked up and I did pull her into my arms.

"It doesn't matter, cara. It was my mistake. I'm sorry for springing it on you like that. I won't do that ever to you again." I stroked her hair as I spoke. The smell of her vanilla shampoo flooded my senses. I was slightly taken aback when she pushed away from me.

"I do want you to ask again, just not now. Give me a couple years, 6 months at least. I just... Please don't be mad at me." she words came out between sobs and I forced her into my arms again. I couldn't bear the thought of her in pain.

"I'm not mad and the offer we'll always still stands. I will just not being it up, unless you. I would gladly marry you this minute if I could but this isn't about me. This is all about you. And if you say we aren't ready then I can wait until we are."

I started kissing her neck and I became too enthralled in that to keep talking. I was too busy trying to comfort her to worry about trying to find the right words. I continued to kiss around her shoulder, neck, jaw and cheek until she calmed. My lips found their way to hers and I could help but kiss her. Our lips molded together and I felt her resignation. She still felt guilty. I knew it. I could tell by the way she kissed me.

"It's okay, beautiful." I told her as I let her sit back. "Let's just lie down."

And lie down we did.

After four weeks Alison and I were better together. There were no fights, or arguments, just love. There was no topic we couldn't discuss and no problem we couldn't face...for a while. Our first real problem came 27 days after I had returned. It was late one Saturday night, probably well into Sunday morning, and both of us were sitting at Hanna's bar having a few drinks, well I wasn't drinking at the time since I was driving home. I noticed a woman staring at Alison from across the room. She was tall-ish, about my height or so. She was in no way attractive and I'm not just saying that because she was checking out my girlfriend. She was overweight and had a short haircut that seemed more out of butch requirement than actual preference. Her attire did little to help her weight issues. She wore baggy jeans and a large t-shirt with a vulgar slogan about loving pussy. Needless to say this woman was a lesbian and definitely rough around the edges.. I ignored her, the way I knew Alison wanted me to but then this bitch walked over to us.

Funny how I have too write about love and forgiveness. Hahaha When my own heart is getting broke right now. Life is a real bitch sometimes.