Finding my angel, facing my demon

The tablets have turn

I got a rag from the kitchen and used it to clean the blood that had dripped to my chest. Anyone would've thought that Alison had hit me with a frying pan. I couldn't help but let my mind wander back to the words Ali had said to me. She basically said that she regretted leaving Aria for me. Tears fell from my eyes but they hurt like hell when they hit my lip so I stopped. What was the point? Alison was right. I had forced her to get back with me. I had promised her all the pretty things in life and it wasn't fair. She deserved better. We still had the same problems we had before. I was still a hot head and she was still jealous as all hell.

"Em, I don't know what to say." Nikki muttered from the base of the stairs. She held the lake house papers in her hand. I was surprised she actually looked at them. I was surprised she didn't just run them through a shredder.

I had nothing to say back to her. What would I say? 'It's okay that you hit and kicked me out and thought I was fucking some girl and told me you regretted leaving your ex.' Instead of saying that, I said nothing. There was silence for a moment.

"I'm sorry." Alison whispered. I couldn't help but laugh. She was sorry. That made everything better, right? Of course it didn't. She had told me that once, that sorry doesn't fix things. But what would I say to her. I had no answer for 'I'm sorry'. Not when I still had the taste of my blood in my mouth.

"I'm going to bed." I said as I headed upstairs. Since I was no longer the bad guy, finally, I decided on going to sleep. I entered the bedroom and stood motionless for a moment thinking about what to do next, not just at that instant but for the rest of my life. In my moment of hesitation Alison entered.

"I don't have the right words for you, Em. I can't even begin to tell you how much I regret what I said and there aren't even words to express how much I want to take it back. I just need to know if you can forgive me." Alison said to me, even though my back was turned.

I turned to face her, a bit dramatically. "Do you know how you hurt me? It wasn't by hitting me, hell you've hit me harder. You hurt me by not trusting me. I have never cheated on you. I've never kissed another girl or even looked at someone else while I was with you. Do you know why? It's because I fall in love with you each day all over again. No one on this planet knows what's in my heart except you 'cause you are only one in there. I don't have a Hanna in my life. I never had an Aria or anything else. I just don't get why you don't trust me."

My words were too fast and way too heated and I regretted it as soon as I said it. I should've said that I did forgive her and that I did love her but I couldn't say those things, not yet.

"I know. I just got scared that you would be gone again." That was all she had to say. I rolled my eyes and turned away from her. That excuse was getting old. In the back of my mind I knew it would always be the excuse but I wasn't strong enough to leave her again. I needed her.

I saw my suitcase on the bed. My clothes were tossed in, and around it. Pictures of Alison and I were also in it. She had already pulled down the pictures of us, that hurt. I pulled out the pictures slowly glancing at each one briefly. There was a Alison and I at the beach. A picture of us scrunched in the backseat of her car, right before we... you know. Alison's favorite picture of us was also there. I remembered the moment in the picture as if it happened only that morning. It had been years ago. I had surprised Ali with a weekend vacation to an amusement park. She had always wanted to go, so for her 22nd birthday we went. The last day we ended up leaving late because Alison just had to ride every last ride in the damn park. She didn't even stop to think that it was about a 4 hour drive back to. She also didn't think about the fact that we were in my car and she couldn't drive a stick. So we left the theme park at 10 and then Nikki got hungry and blah blah blah. In the end we got on the road at midnight but Alison was still thrilled that she had been able to go. But back to the picture. Since I was angry, I wasn't paying attention to Alison so when she grabbed my shoulders and got next to me for the picture I looked over at her and gave her my biggest you're-a-pain-in-the-ass look. Snap went the camera and the moment was immortalized in film forever. Alison cherished that picture like nothing else. I stung that she had thrown it in my luggage. I set the picture frame on the night stand then pulled on a new shirt from it. Then in a about of frustration I tossed my suitcase roughly off the bed. Alison watched me before walking over and grabbing my shoulders. Once I was facing her, she grabbed my chin with one of her delicate hands.

"Let me see your lip." She said as she got even closer to me, closing the space between our bodies. I softly shook my head out of her grasp. I wasn't angry but there was nothing wrong with my lip, except the fact that she had busted it open and it was bleeding into my mouth. "Em, come on. I'm worried about you."

I let her grab me again, for nothing more than because I loved her. She tilted my head a bit so she could see better.