This is kind of sad, if you can tell from the title.
You lay in bed not being able to sleep, you favorite group was having a concert in Japan and there were no big comebacks that were happening so you had not been super active in the K-POP scene. As you lay in bed all of a sudden thoughts came rushing into your head.
You pray, hope, dream and wish everyday that maybe one day you would get to meet your favorite group. You would do almost anything just to be able to go to their concert, and see them in real life. When you see fans posting photos of them and their favorite idols, you're heart aches a little bit more because you know that there is a small chance of that happening to you. What also upsets you is that even if you see them at a concert, you can't go to a fanmeet because you live halfway across the world. And when you see all the hardships your favorite idols have to go through you want to help them. But you can't, because you're just a fan.
So what do you do? You can't physically comfort them. So you watch their music videos hundreds of times trying to gain views, if you can, you vote on the music shows and major awards. You try to buy their albums if you have money so that you can show your support to them in some way. You follow them on social media and try to get their name out to other people. You protect them with all your might from malicious comments and posts.
And when people tell you, "They don't even know you exist." you respond with, "When they talk to their fans, they're talking to me too because I'm their fan." but deep down in your heart you know they're right. You know that no matter how many times you tell yourself that they are talking to you too, you know in reality they don't know you exist. They don't know who you are, what you're like, how old you are, they don't even know your name.
All you want to do is know them more, all you want to do is be their friend at least because you want to comfort them when they're hurting and everyone's against them. You want to be able to tell them, "It's okay, I'll always be on your side." When they hurt you hurt too; when they cry, you cry along. You want to know their real self. You want them to know that you will always be there for them. You want to talk to them but you can't even speak their language and that crushes you. Every. Single. Time. You want to tell them how much they've made your life better, and how much they mean to you, even though you've never really met them.
You've thought about it before, what you would say to them if you met them.
"You've changed my life. I promise I will support you no matter what happens, when everybody is gone, I'll still be here. I want to erase all of the hurt in your life and fill it with the love of your fans. Even though you will never remember me, I will remember this day for the rest of my life. When you feel lonely and hopeless, I hope you will remember me, and my promise of loving you and being on your side always."
But then you realize, can you even say that you love them? You do love them, but not in a friend way, not in a family way, not in a romantic way. So in what way? Your heart aches as you realize that to love someone you have to have a relationship with them, to love someone you have to know them. You realize, painfully, that you really don't know them. You know what they look like, what they sing like, what they dance like, what their humor is like, what their favorite color is, their favorite food, their favorite song. You know how many siblings they have, their birthdays, their ages and heights. But you don't know their little imperfections, what they really think, how they interact with their friends offstage, what they watch on YouTube, how they feel about haters. You really do want to know them. You want to know them so you can proudly say that you do love them.
With all this said though, being their fan makes you happy.
You get to feel part of a group of people. You feel like you belong somewhere now. You've made friends just based on the fact that you like the same group, when you favorite group does well, your heart swells with pride. They make you laugh until your stomach hurts and make you smile when you're having a bad day. There are good things about it and bad things, but you can't get out of it now, you've gone in too deep.
So you just have to make the best of everything.
A/N: The reason I put the title as "An International Fan's Feelings" was because I said you can't go to fanmeets or many concerts and not speaking the same language etc., just to clear it up. This is kind of short too, OTL. Ahhhh, sorry if this made you sad, recently I just had a lot of sad feelings about being a fan and had to express them in some way... I put the perspective as "your favorite group" so it can be more meaningful to you (although obviously I wrote this thinking about EXO, I mean... c'mon) I hope you can relate and please look forward to more happy stories in the future! (even though this isn't really a story...) Thanks for reading! :D
