edge ; knj

vi

six

"hey, honey," mom said when i got home. she was standing near the stove cooking

hyungeun was sitting at the kitchen counter, eating an apple. she began to laugh when she saw me.

"what's so funny?" my mother asked. she looked down at the spatula in her hand as if surprised to see it.

"namjoon got a lot of publicity today," hyungeun said with faux innocence.

mom handed the spatula to hyungeun and gave me a hug. "why, that's wonderful. you want to tell me about it?"

"yeah, namjoon," hyungeun said, "tell mom all about it."

"go to hell, hyungeun," i said.

as i marched down the hall, i could hear my mother yell, "namjoon!! come back right now and apologize to your sister!"

i flopped onto my bed. my bookshelves were packed. on my desk was a neat pile of college acceptance letters. the one from snu was on top. i picked up a photo of yerin and i at lotte world. we were both wearing micky mouse ears and looked deliriously happy. i guess we were then, and for a moment, i missed her. the trouble was that, out of our two years together, we had maybe four good months total.

there was a knock on the door.

"namjoon, we need to talk."

mom looked worried.

"sure. what's wrong?"

"hyungeun told me what happened at school"

i could feel my body tense.

"is it true?" she asked. "were there disparaging flyers of you all around campus?"

"did hyungeun tell you what was written on them?"

mom shook her head. "she told me to ask you."

my sister walked pass my room and waved as if she were riding on some parade float.

"there's nothing to worry about, mom," i assured her, "it was just a prank, i've got it under control."

"are you sure?" mom said. she pushed her hands into the deep pockets of her bathrobe. for the first time, i had noticed how much she had aged. she had stopped dying her hair, and the grey had suddenly outnumbered the brown.

"are you okay?" i asked my mom

"namjoon, honey"- her voice cracked- "i'm gonna miss you so much"

"you still have dad and hyungeun," i reminded her.

"but that's not the same as having you here," she said.

"i can hear you!!!" hyungeun yelled from her room. she was always hanging around the edges, eavesdropping.

after mom left the room, i shut the door and retrieved a crumpled flyer from my backpack. i set it next to my list of suspects. i called taeran, but before he answered, i hung up. i considered calling yerin, but decided that was a bad idea. who could i call? who could i trust? who could i talk to? i drew a complete blank.

i took a nap and when i woke up it was almost dinner time already.

i took out my notebook and a pen, and sat there thinking. it was what helped me clear my head. it was the only thing that made me feel at peace.

however, this time, even writing couldn't calm me down. i closed the book. i was still feeling antsy, like there was pressure building up inside me. i had to do something, or i'd expload.

i laced up my running shoes.