edge ; knj

v

five

the rest of the morning was hell disguised as high school. apparently word had spread beyond the senior class that my incredible selfishness caused yerin and i to split up. girls i didn't even know came up to me and said, "i can't believe you did that!" or "you're so mean, you're such an asshole!" couple that with the flyers, and it was fair to say i was miserable.

every time someone called me dinky dick, i cringed. how do you defend yourself from something like that?

i was waiting for taeran so i could talk to him during lunch, but he was sitting with kisun. yerin was bombarding me with evil, stabbing glares.

it was kisun who encouraged yerin to go out with me. back when i was a sophomore, i would have never asked yerin out on my own. i'd thought she was way out of my league. yerin said i wasn't like other guys who were jerks. she said i was stable, and she liked that i could help her with her homework. plus, she said we'd make a cute couple.

"hey namjoon," taeran said to me abruptly. "kisun doesn't want me hanging out with you anymore."

"what?" i took a swig of my drink. "she said that?"

he nodded as he chewed slowly, "kisun says that you hurt yerin, and yerin is her best friend, and that your moral compass is broken."

moral compass? i didn't even know i had one. i started to laugh.

"seriously," taeran said, "i can't hang out with you until this whole dilemma blows over."

i shook my head. "i can't even believe we're having this conversation! you're letting kisun tell you who you can be friends with? what kind of a wimp are you?"

"i'm a wimp in love," he said in all seriousness. "listen, i take my cues from my old lady."

i tried not to spew. "taeran, listen to you! your old lady? how old are you? fifty? dude, act your age! be yourself."

"act like you?" he asked sarcastically

"hell yeah, like me," i told him. "feel free to use me as a role model."

"you're the one who should be yourself," he said.

"what's that supposed to mean? i am myself."

"no you're not," taeran said. "you're never yourself, namjoon, not even when you're alone. you're always putting something on. kisun says you're a phony."

"what are you talking about?" i asked, "kisun's all wrong for you, she's manipulative and bossy.

"she says the same thing about you," taeran answered glumly. "listen, i'm with kisun for life. with you, well, you're going off to snu and i'm staying here so who knows how often were going to see each other once summer is over?

then it hit me. college. we were going to college. i was going to college. snu. i was going to seoul national university. i was going to snu to become a business man. a business man.

"are you okay?" taeran asked.

"what? sure. why?"

"because you're drinking my soda. you hate soda."

i put it down. "sorry. i got distracted."

"yeah, i can tell. i'm sorry too."

i could tell he meant it. taeran never lied to me.