Push Mo Yan!

I'm Just Another One and The Player Got Played

I'm Just Another One and The Player Got Played

by girlwiththeredshoes

This review might contain spoilers. You have been adequately warned

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Weaknesses.

1.) Informal dialogue and lyrics - Dialogues play a very very big part in a story. If the dialogues are interesting, the story itself will be more interesting. Pero interesting dialogues are just a part. Kailangan din na ma-execute ng author ng maayos ang dialogues para maging maganda siyang tignan. Specifically, kailangan sumunod sa formal and professional writing style and pagstate sa kanila.

Sa two shots na ito, after ng dialogue ng isang tao, makakakita ang reader ng isang hyphen. The name of the person who owns the dialogue proceeds that hyphen. In my opinion, it's really not nice to look at. Mas magiging maayos ang story kung ginawang formal ang format ng dialogues, as in kung ilalagay yung mga katagang "sabi niya" or "sigaw niya" and the like.

Dun naman tayo sa pag-iinsert ng song lyrics sa story (refer to "I'm Just Another One"). Don't make readers read big blocks of lyrics. Mas maganda kung ichop-chop sila, especially if you're gonna use the whole song. Tapos yung spaces in between nung mga two to four liner lyrics, those are the perfect opportunites for an author to tell the readers how the character is really feeling. Ayun.

2.) Sound effects and emoticons - I'm pretty sure that this one's self explanatory. Kapag nagbabasa ako ng mga story, ayokong nakakakita ng mga *pak*, *tsup*, *boogsh*. "She slapped me", "I felt his lips brush lightly against mine", or "I was walking in the hallway when a person suddenly bumped into me." looks a lot better. Yung sa emoticons naman, they're tolerable. Mas maganda lang talagang magbasa ng stories na walang emoticon, so I decided to mention this one.

Even though we're just writing online, we should still follow the rules of professional and techinical writing. I admit. I'm guilty on this one. Pero malay ba natin kung mapublish pa ang works natin someday? It's better if we start to practice writing in accordance with those rules, para sa future ay hindi na tayo masyadong mahirapan sa pag-eedit. Wink.

3.) On breaking the fourth wall and author's notes - Yes, breaking the fourth wall is allowed. There's nothing wrong with breaking the four wall, but you have to deliver it properly. Ang mahirap dito sa breaking the fourth wall, o ang pakikipag-usap ng authors sa mga character in the case of this story, kapag hindi mo siya nagawa properly ay magiging nuisance siya sa story.

Sa story kasi na ito (refer to "The Player Got Played"), seryoso at mataray ang mood ng character sa opening scene. Maganda na siya, well delivered yung thoughts ni Sasha about her revenge. Tapos biglang BOOM. The fourth wall broke at nag-usap ang author at character. Yung image ni Sasha na maldita, biglang nawala. Yung sa mga author's note naman, sa opinion ko lang naman, AN's in the middle of the story are a bit annoying. I think I did this before hahaha XD

4.) Unanswered questions - Sino ba talaga si Aya? Masyadong vague ang character niya. Hindi malalaman ng reader, based sa information na binigay sa story, kung sino ba talaga siya. Kung kaibigan lang ba talaga siya ni Kei o talagang naging sila. Hindi rin malalaman ng reader kung para saan yung pangcoconfront niya kay Sasha, na nagbreak daw sila ni Kei dahil sa kanya.

Second, yung role ni Drei. Siya ang nagdare kay Kei na paglaruan si Sasha in exchange for the ten thousand bucks. I saw no problem with that. Ang kaso nga lang, siya rin ang nagbigay ng permiso kay Sasha na paglaruan si Kei in exchange for twenty thousand bucks, an even larger sum of money. The problem is kaibigan niya si Kei. Hindi malalaman ng readers kung bakit yun ginawa ni Drei kay Kei.

Third, si Kei. Sa dulo ng second installment, it will be revealed na mahal na mahal talaga niya si Sasha. Pero sa bandang simula ng second installment, may mga line siya na nasabi na nag-ooppose doon. Nung sinabi ng classmate niya na may babaeng gustong makipagkita sa kanya, natuwa pa siya. Bagong chicks daw kasi. Hindi rin natin malalaman kung bakit siya pumayag na paglaruan si Sasha kung mahal pala niya ito.

5.) Emotions - Emotions also play a really big part in stories. Syempre, kahit naman nasimulan na ng reader basahin ang story, may chance na itigil niya ito kung hindi naman niya talagang nadadama ang gustong ipadama ng storya. sa horror movies, kapag hindi nakakatakot, nagiging boring. Sa romance, kapag hindi nakakakilig, corny. Parang ganun ba?

Sa first installment, 

Dun naman tayo sa second installment. The story focuses on Sasha's grudge towards the school's player and her plan to play with him. Dun pa lang sa first few lines, mag-eexpect na ang reader na magiging bitchy and very intense ang mood. Ang kaso nga lang, sa gitna ay medyo nawala ang atmosphere na iyon. Yun ang naging major weakness ng story para sa akin. Revenge nga eh, so kailangang madama talaga ng reader yung intensity ng grudge nung bida. Sa story na 'to, the mood and emotions are present, but it tends to not strike or hit the reader that much.

Strengths.

1.) Introductory lines - In novels, the introduction or the prologue plays a very big part. Ito kasi yung panghook sa mga readers, lalo na kapag pihikan at meticolous mamili yung reader. Sa mga one shots naman, kadalasan hindi na nilalagyan ng introduction. Pero sa story na 'to, the author still placed a few intro lines before she went to the story proper.

Bet na bet ko yung mga single liners sa start ng each of the two shots. They're really catchy. Mahahatak ka talagang magbasa.

2.) Relatable plot - Marami talagang mga ordinaryong girl students na pinaglalaruan ng mga badboy ng school. Madalas nangyayari ang mga ganitong klase ng storya kaya I'm very sure na maraming makakarelate. I'm actually one of them! Hahaha.

3.) Inspiring lead character - The story is somewhat inspiring. Karamihan kasi, after malaman na pinaglaruan lang sila ng mahal o crush nila, iiyak na lang ng iiyak at mag-eemo hanggang sa maubos na lahat ng liquid nila sa katawan. Sasha begs to differ. Di tulad ko na puro lang pagpapakabitter ang alam, she decides to stand up, be brave, and get her sweet revenge. Naalala ko tuloy yung poem ko na "Lovely Farewell" kasi the girl there is like Sasha. Ang pagkaibahan, the girl there is Psychotic, inspired kasi siya sa kabaliwan ko hahaha.

I'm not exactly saying that we, broken hearted and used girls, should take our revenge against those paasa and pafall guys. Ang sakin lang, we shouldn't waste our time crying and slumping for those guys that never deserved us. Like Sasha, we should keep our head up high and show those guys what they're missing. <3

Message to the author of IJAO and TPGP: Hi She! Sorry kung natagalan. I'm just really busy and and dami ko pang problems huhuhu. Anyways, as you can see, mas madami at mahaba nga ang negatives. I didn't hold back kasi you're one of my closest friends here in wattpad and I would really love to see you improve. It doesn't mean naman na mas marami yung negatives eh hindi na maganda yung story. I liked it noh! Hindi lang obvious kasi ang strict ko yata talaga magreview hahaha.

Last na pala. If you're more comfortable writing in english, then please do so. Who knows? Baka mas maging maayos ang pagpaparating mo ng emosyon sa reader mo. :)