dan howell vs the world

precious little life

"dan howell is dating a seventeen year old?" pete [name: pete wentz. age: 37. rating: too emo to function] asked, looking up from his mug of coffee.
"really dan? is this even legal?" josh dun [name: josh dun. age: 27. rating: josh drum] threw his hands in the air as he spoke, as if he'd given up on the world in that very moment.
"what are you now dan, like 28?" patrick [name: patrick stump. age: 32. rating: soul voice] exclaimed at the tall chocolate eyed dan who had his back to the guys as he searched for the perfect mug. he decided on the hello kitty mug before sighing and shaking his head.
"i'm not playing your little games," the brit replied as he poured tea into the mug.
"so you've been out of high school for like eleven years-" pete deadpanned.
"I'm 24. 24," dan interjected, turning to face them [dan howell. age: 24. rating: phil trash #1] and taking a drink.
"still, it's wrong," patrick, ever the sweetie, said. he didn't think it was right for dan to date this poor teenager.
"and their name?" tyler [name: tyler joseph. age: 27. rating: the guy who made ukuleles punk] asked from the seat next to josh.
"frank. he's cute. very mature for his age. his best friend is gerard way who's really sassy and basically gives gender roles the middle finger on a daily basis which is awesome. frank's sweet," dan responded.
"What are you doing dan?" josh dun exasperatedly slumped in his chair and dan thought of a witty response.
"your mum," dan replied, snapping his fingers and being the sass master everyone knew he was.
"oh! shots fired josh," tyler, who sat extremely close to his best fren as always, practically yelled.
"anyway, have you guys 'done' anything yet?" patrick asked, changing the subject. he prayed the answer was 'no'.
"we ride the bus, stalk people on twitter, talk about his friends and you know, drama," dan replied in an ironically whimsical manner. dan was one to do things ironically.
"have you even kissed him?" tyler questioned.
"we almost held hands once but then he got embarrassed."
"oh thank god!" patrick yelled. "sorry," he added blushingly, realising that he had just shouted in the small, confined space that was josh dun's kitchen.
"patrick babe, calm down," pete turned to his boyfriend, kissing his temple lightly.
as hysteria by muse sounded from his iphone, dan knew it was phil texting him. finally, he could leave.
"well phil says we need to go shopping because all our cereal 'mysteriously vanished' okay bye guys."
as dan left there was a round of crazed laughing that could be heard outside the house even after dan closed the front door.

"yes yes phil the rumours are true. i am dating a 17 year old catholic school boy, laugh it up as much as you want. i've already had a roasting from everyone at josh dun's," dan said as soon as he walked into the flat he shared with phil lester, his best friend, whilst wiping his snowy shoes on the ironic welcome mat.
"i actually already knew that," phil [name: phil lester. age: 29. rating: adorable cinnamon roll ray of sunshine cutie] said looking up from his buffy the vampire slayer comic. "pete told patrick who was freaking out and called me a few minutes ago."
"oh. typical patrick. he cares too much, sweet guy. news travels scarily fast in our group."
"i'm your best friend, i care about you. but i thought you were dating frank not patrick. i thought patrick was going out with pete," phil replied teasingly.
"shut up," dan laughed and walked over to look over phil's shoulder. "ugh, it's so complicated with dating and our friends.
"some of our friends are just complicated like a certain someone who needs to know this hot gossip," phil teased and got out his phone, leaving to go to the bathroom.
"don't you dare call brendon don't even-"

"that's gooOOOoooOOoOoOd!"

it was brendon calling.

"dan howell has a 17 year old boyfriend, scandal," brendon [name: brendon urie. age: 17. rating: the teen who needs to shut up] said as soon as dan picked up the phone.
"that's not true who told you?"
"phil, duh."
"that gossipy bitch."
"hey!" phil said from the bathroom.
"shut up philip i'm having a conversation with breadstick urinal. now, yes i am dating a 17 year old."
"which school does he go to? i might know because I'M FUCKING 17 YEARS OLD DAN!"
"you wouldn't, he goes to a catholic school."
"with the uniform and everything?"
"yup," dan replied, popping the 'p', "basically."
"you're evil."
"how? do you think i have ulterior motives or something? wow brendon, you have truly offended me," dan responded over dramatically. 
"look dan, why are you doing this? is it because of-"
"don't bring him up please, there's no need to. dating frank is just, nice. it's a pleasant change after... him. i have to go."
"call me when you're sane again dan."
"fantastic i'll never have to talk to you again!"
click.