Jariana: The unreachable

Chapter 9

The sun rises and wakes me from my deep dream. I jump out of bed in a panic I need to be ready for filming in a couple hours! I wash my face with water and then I remember there is no filming.. I don’t have a job anymore. I can go back to bed. I shut my eyes tight and hope a dream will come and take me from my bad reality but it doesn’t. I can’t fall back to sleep. I lie in bed bored. I could text Jai? I haven’t replied since last night and he hasn’t sent me anything else. I don’t think I should tell him about moving yet though.

In the end I drag my restless self out of bed and go downstairs to watch tv but its like victorious is trying to haunt me. There I am playing Cat on the screen. When I next watch victorious there will be a different Cat actress and a different Jade actress. Isn’t that crazy to think? I wander if any of the cast will miss me. Some of them didn’t know what went on yesterday. Oh dear. I’m just getting myself worked up by thinking about this.

“What are you doing up so early?” Mum quietly pounds down the stairs scaring me out of my skin. “Omg you scared me” I say cross but then I add “I couldn’t go back to sleep” in a calm voice. “Oh dear” Mum says. “I am going to work” mum smiles. “When are we moving?” I exhale. “Soon love” “I am just sorting out some last bits here and saying goodbye to my work friends, I will miss it. But better things are to come” Mum says while kissing my forehead with her perfumed lips. I nod and she shuts the door.

A sit on the sofa just watching anything but victorious. Nothing much is on this early in the morning. But I am not taking in anything on the TV anyway I am too busy thinking about how miserable I am. “Morning” Frankie comes happily bouncing down to the lounge “Sleep well?” I say not enthusiastic. “Yes, you don’t look like you have!” He shouts starting to do funny things but I don’t feel like laughing. “Are you moving with us?” I say hoping he is. “Hmm I will have to see” Frankie sighs. “Why?” I question “Because I do Broadway shows in America and unless there is anything out there for me in Melbourne its hardly worth me going but I would visit you so so often if I don’t move” Frankie smiles taking me into his arms. “Okay” I try hold back any tears.

Frankie makes me some lunch and we eat it in the garden, bad idea. Paparazzis have been camping outside our house for the night and thankgod I notice a camera pointing out of the bush. It scares me.. how did they get into my garden. But I run inside and Frankie follows. “Whats up with you?” Frankie mumbles annoyed slightly. “There was a pap in the bush trying to get photos” I say getting so worked up. “Oh was there?” Frankie says hugging me again. I’m not sure if he believes me but he is being kind either way. I am so breaky today.

Pretty much every day feels the same and I start hardly looking at my phone so scared I will see hate. My fans are going crazy scared about me. I decide to tweet the fans and just ignore the large amount of hate in my mentions. I tweet a few things but nothing too personal. “I am sorry if I have let anyone down its just personal reasons and I don’t see why people are hating, it’s my problem not yours” and I also tweet “I am thankful for the fans who are supporting me though this and still love me, I will get back onto my feet soon enough” this might clear a few things up anyway. I think I will just pretend the pictures of me crying has never happened.

Putting on a cute dress and making sure I don’t spend another day just being scared to do anything and watching TV I ask Frankie if he wants to go out and get some lunch with me. “Yes!” Frankie says smiling greatly. On instagram I post photos of me and Frankie smiling. I want people to think I am strong even if I am still feeling a little weak myself.

People are coming up interviewing me. I try to say as little as possible. “Why did you walk out of victorious?” is pretty much all they ask. “What are you planning on doing next?” “I am moving actually” I say smiling maybe a little too hard trying to cover up any worry or upset that I feel. “And where to?” They ask “Well I can’t say yet” I say with a fake little giggle. And I walk away with Frankie.

I can’t say I feel so much better but I do feel a bit better and that matters hugely. “Liz I think we need to talk” I text her and she replies. “Yes sorry I was going to text you but I was scared, the other night was not expectable from me and I will come over and see you later xxx” she says. This makes the world off my shoulders and I feel extremely happier. I am even smiling for real. “J” I send to Jai.