Don't Be...Dead

2-The Therapist

I sat in the chair staring at where the rain hit the window. The outside showed outwardly what I was feeling inside. Each drop hit me as a painful memory. I looked down into my lap, my left hand trembling.

"Why today?" Why today? I frowned at my therapist. She knew why I was here.

"D’you want to hear me say it?"

"Eighteen months since our last appointment,” she pointed out to me. I knew. Because eighteen months ago was when I first met him.

"D’you read the papers?" I asked, not looking up

"Sometimes," she replied shortly.

"Mmm, and you watch telly? You know why I’m here. I’m here because ..." My voice broke and I paused. I looked at Ella but found no comfort in her face. I looked back down, fighting the urge to cry.

"What happened, John?" she asked as sympathetically as she could.

I closed my eyes, trying to regain control. Breathing deeply, I looked up at her again. I opened my mouth and started to speak. "Sher-" I broke off, unable to continue. Tears formed in the corners of my eyes and I blinked them back. I swallowed hard and shook my head.

"You need to get it out," she said, placing her hand gently on my knee.

"My best friend- Sherlock Holmes..." I paused, trying to regain my composure. Sniffing a little, I continued, "... is dead." I sat there as the realization of what I just said sank in. Sherlock dead. I knew it was real. I had been there when it happened, had rushed to him and taken his pulse, trying to help him, to save him. But somehow the full impact of it hadn't registered until now.

"There’s stuff that you wanted to say..." She paused as I opened mouth briefly, but then closed it. She continued, "... but didn’t say it."

"Y-yeah."

"Say it now," she prompted me.

Say it? How could I possibly say to her what I couldn't even say to him? How could I possibly tell her all that I felt? That I never believed in love at first sight, and yet, in a matter of two days he had shown me what a true friend as well as given me someone to care about? How could I tell her when I couldn't even tell Sherlock because I knew he couldn't feel the same? Tears forming in my eyes, I shook my head. "No. Sorry. I can’t."