Courage to Let Love in

Chapter 19: Insecurities won't go

Queen Natasha's P.O.V.

 I woke up in complete confusion. It appeared that I had many dreams that 'night' or perhaps I slept throughout the day? The soft sunlight filtered through the thick curtains and I was unsure whether it was early morning or late evening? I gradually rose from the large sofa and memories of the previous day started registering to my mind.

I started recalling all the events. It felt like a series of bad dreams followed by some better ones, but for the most part, everything was blur. My mind flooded with numerous confusions and I started developing headache again. I threw myself in the sofa again as the frustration began to develop inside me.

I stayed in the sofa with my eyes closed and forced myself to remember every detail of the previous day. The pictures of blood and smoke came to my mind and memories of the Attack became clearer. I felt better and relief washed over me as I started placing myself in the present but nothing came to my mind as I started to recall the lateral events.

I shocked my head hard and the headache finally took its hold. I must have winced with the terrible pain because after that a few maids came in for my assistance. 

I remained rested for a couple of more hours until it turned dark and I realised that I had previously woken up in the evening rather than in the morning. It was spring time and the days were now much longer than they had been. I slowly stood by the window and parted the curtains. It was a half-moon night and the inner courtyard was reasonably lit, the air was very still and the whole scene from the window looked very inviting to me so I stepped outside.

I encircled the courtyard and then took a walk around the gardens. The habitats of the Palace was mostly asleep and I could see the dim lights glowing from their bedrooms on the upper storeys. I smiled passed the pathways as I saw the lights being turned out. The smell of the air was that of the flowers that were now on their full bloom.

When I reached the far end of the High Gardens, I had reached the administrative units of the Palace. Some exotic carriages were parked around the small marble courtyard. The only  audible sound, was of the central fountain that had decorative Figurines.

It was so peaceful that I was enchanted by it, and I immediately thought of sharing this insight with Fredrick. Just at that very instant a realization came, and I was taken aback by my impulse. 

Has Fredrick really taken Richard's place? How did it come to this? How could I wish to share things like these with him? What about my vanity, pride and ego? What of my resolve? Am I to forgive him for putting me through all this and come to accept his company?

I quickly brushed these provocative thoughts away. These thoughts were like a forbidden and poisonous objects that could contaminate me on a mere touch and I was struggling in getting rid of it.

When I heard the footsteps from my behind it was time for me to face the reality. Perhaps it was too late to "get rid" of the situation. I reluctantly turned to face the person.

"How are you feeling now?" He said softly and approached me.

Every step that he was taking closer to me, increased my heartbeat and memories from our last encounter came afresh. The realization took my breathe away and I was left with no clue as to how to react to it.

Fredrick took my hand and examined it, until then I had completely forgotten about my recent injuries since I was so immersed in my confusion I also forgot to answer his question. When he continued to examine my other injuries I remembered his own injury on his forehead. 

When I touched his injury he winced and complained that the Healers made very unclean stitches and he wanted to make sure that same was not true in my case, at this I smiled and he stared at me questionably.

"Did their stitches hurt you?" he sounded anxious.

"No. Not at all. They made the stitches small unlike yours. Here, let me help you." I offered.

I took him to his study and asked one of the servants to bring the necessary supplies. When the servant left the room with the supplies, I worked slowly to amend his unclean stitches. He looked very tired but he stubbornly refused to sleep that night and once I was done, he asked one of my ladies-in-waiting to bring the tea.

He took the chair opposite to that of mine and we drank the tea and talked for hours. After a couple of hours I insisted him to take a sleep while I tried to find an activity to avoid boredom. Once Fredrick and my Lady-in-waiting were gone, my attention shifted to the pile of correspondence at his front desk.

I took one letter and dragged an armchair to the study table and began reading the official correspondence between numerous men and Fredrick. While I continued going through one letter after another, I came across a few familiar hand-writings also.

Interest started to build inside me and I finished reading one letter after another and found this activity highly informative and also amusing since these letters contained letters of "Concern and well-wishes" for the "young" Queen and also some criticizing ones that complained about the "Queen's" latest adventures as "completely irresponsible"; but what amazed me the most was the pile of letters that were waiting to be delivered.

After I finished the pile of letters by Fredrick that were "to be delivered" to respective parties, my chest swelled with so much pride and happiness that I felt towards my husband for defending me and standing up for me against all the accusations.

How differently he reacted with me after the combat!, I thought to myself.

Had I not known that these letters were written by the same man who was so angry at me the previous day, I won't have believed in him. There were still a few questions that needed to be answered, such as, who were those people that attacked us and why? But for that brief moment I was content and at peace that Fredrick was by my side and that he was ready to protect me from all these false allegations.

In life, nothing is permanent, not good things such as happiness and peace of mind, mine was taken from me as quickly as it came.

I re-arranged the pile of letters neatly on his desk. As I was about to leave the Study for my bed-chambers, a few piles of letters that were roughly tied up with the a thick thread little a bundle at the corner left-bottom side of the side-table, came to my attention.

It was like a magnet that pulled me towards itself. And I resumed my previous armchair position and untied these dirty piles of letters. My original motive was to neatly arrange them and stack them like the other letters I had previously done. Had I not seen "that" familiar handwriting I wont have felt any "pull" and would have left the piles without a second glimpse.

Alas! like they say, "Curiosity killed the cat."