A yes a serious rant to restart.. Joyful right?
Now for those of you who have never tried to commit or thought about commiting sucide congrats . It's a terrible state to be in and I wouldnt wish it on anybody.
Before I talk about anyone else I have a confession to make. I, your typical advice giver, mom friend, decent writer have contemplated and tried to commit suicide. Hell I even cut at one point.
And by cut I mean, dig a knife into my skin until there is a scar that doesn't fully cut into the tissue.
The reasons I tried and thought about sucide are stress, depression, fucked up feelings, and giving up completely.
Now on the topic of stress it was a very bad mixture of fucking up in school, I'm smart but lazy, and also not being able to actually make it through school.
Depression was mainly about.. Well I lost my dad my freshman year of high school which was the same year I tried. I had said some terrible things about him many times before his death but whatever I'm not getting that personal.
Fucked up feelings and giving up go hand and hand. I just didn't feel like myself I was tired and everything seemed to just get worst.
But is that ever a good excuse? Hell no. Because you wanna know what stopped me? I kept watching my friends around me and they were smiling and laughing and joking with me. And it made me happy. And I got mad at myself and told them what I took.
Not saying what I took but trust me it wouldn't have actually killed me. My mom was called and they talked to me in the office.
I realized that sucide is selfish. It's you accepting that you can't make it when you can. It's settling for what you don't like. You are letting whatever it is win. And that is unacceptable.
Now that being said, if you are just holding on for other people then you should never do that. You have to hold on for yourself. I know its hard but you have to overcome the flaws that you see and embrace them.
I mean do you honestly think I want to have a ninth fucking surgery in my senior year of highschool? And I need this surgery. I've been having surgery since before I could talk and its getting old and I'm tired.
Do you honestly think I want to have to wear toddlers shoes on one foot and mature shoes on another? I don't. I hate it. I hate that my birth mom did drugs that harsh during her pregnancy that I was actually born addicted to the same drug.
I hate being handicap as hell. I have cerbral palsy and barely made it born at 23 weeks. But I embrace my cerbral palsy because despite my disability I have tons of friends, I have a passion for writing and I'm highly intelligent when none of that could have be possible.
Actually none of your lives could have been possible no matter how shitty they seem. I promise you it will indeed get better.
I got bullied freshman year then next my dad stepped out in front of a car and died. Now I'm a senior, I have tons of friends, I was in theatre for a while and was actually the lead, I'm in Model UN, I've been in love and had my heart broken. I've made dumb decisions and really good ones. I'm growing in ways I could never see.
So usually in sucide rants its from some people who have never actually done it but I have. In fact, my older sister hung herself as an adult when I was only in the six grade. She was so messed up that she didn't take into account that her then, 3 year old son could have walked in at anytime,but her partner found her unfornatley. I know way too much about it from family and from myself and friends.
I'm begging you don't end your life today or tomorrow. Things can turn around in the blink of an eye. It can take awhile but trust me. IT GETS BETTER. SO TAKE A SECOND AND APPRECIATE YOURSELF. BECAUSE I APPRECIATE YOU.
Tag someone who you think needs to read this. But if you see the people respond please don't hound them. This is very personal and give them time.
This rant is dedicated to my dad, Richard and my older sister, Jeanette. I will miss them and love them always.
