Memento Mori

Chapter 5: Maybe

As Jin left his lips, and rested his head on his forehead, smiling warmly, Jimin felt a shiver embrace his body, it was deep, and something inside of him felt warm, and maybe it was, because he felt like Jin was indeed safe. Maybe some part of him knew that Jin would not hurt him, because in 48 hours Jin showed him that it's okay to cry, that it's okay to break down and cry in someone's arms, that it's okay to need someone that makes you feel safe, that it's okay to want to be loved again, that it's okay to feel miserable and sad when you have someone that makes you feel happy, someone that takes all that away, and that it's okay to need Jin. And that scared him, maybe too much, but right now, in this moment, when Jin looked down at him, right now when Jin embraced the boy and assured the boy with a smile that it's was going to be okay, that he won't harm him that Jin was going to protect him, that maybe his eyes spoke what Jimin needed the most to hear right now, maybe in his eyes he found love; maybe.

Jin kept smiling, a smile he knew it meant something, a smile he knew the boy would fall for, a smile he hoped the boy will grow to love, a smile he hoped the boy would figure out his true meaning, the smile he faked so well in front of his parents, a smile that they never figured out because they never looked inside his eyes, the eyes that hold a tragedy, a sadness they don't understand, a pain that he wants to end, his eyes that hold his soul, the eyes he hoped Jimin would read and know, the soul he hoped the boy could heal. As he stared into the younger eyes he felt something fluttering inside his stomach, he mistook it for fear, because he just did something he never thought of doing, it was an impulse, something that drove him into kissing the boy, something that made him do crazy things, and in 48 hours, something that made him fall in love.

But Jin was afraid, because he didn't remember everything, because he had parts missing from his memory, because he wasn't complete, because he almost forgot the boy, because he is having all these feelings mixed up and they happen to fast, and it's not normal, it's not normal to feel like this, it's not normal to do this, it's not normal to have pieces of your memory missing, it's not normal to kiss someone who has been raped just yesterday, it's not normal to jump on people like this, this whole thing they had, these 48 hours they shared, they aren't normal.

But right now, in this moment when he looks at the boy, when he sees the red on his cheeks, when he sees the glint of hope in his eyes, when he looks at his face and he doesn't see any fear, knowing that the boy isn't scared, that they boy is not going to push Jin away, he feels happy, he doesn't feel like he did something bad for once, because even if a feeling always was there in his gut that maybe his memory loss was something voluntary, that maybe somewhere deep in him, something wanted him to forget and remember just pieces, and he wanted all those pieces back, he wanted to make the puzzle whole, some part of Jin worried that maybe his friends didn't appear only in summer, that maybe he has only the memories of summer, and maybe he can't remember anything else, but he always pushed those back in his mind, because he didn't want to believe it, he didn't want to believe that his mind played so many tricks on him, he didn't want to believe that destiny hated him so much, he didn't want to believe that maybe the God that some believe exists, hated Jin so much that it would take his memories away and leave him incomplete, maybe there was another reason for his memory loss, maybe he would find it someday, and maybe his lost puzzle pieces will come back if Jimin stayed with him.

Because in such short notice, Jin came around and gave safety to a broken boy, and without any notice Jin grew inside feelings that he didn't know how to express, because he was always alone, because no one loved him enough to stick around, and maybe Jimin will leave too someday, he hoped it will not be too soon, because he could only read about love in books, he didn't had someone to give it to, and now Jin found someone, Jin fell fast, and he wasn't going to let the boy go, not out there, in the cruel world, the world that hurt him, the world that could hurt him again, the world that had the power to take the boy away.