Crying to the Sky // Bucky Barnes

Chapter 12: Recovery

It has been about two week since Tony's party. Bucky has been very jumpy, he often comes through to the couch that I sleep on in Steve's apartment after another nightmare. He has them nearly every night, so he is now accustomed to waking me up to talk about it. A few nights ago I woke up to Bucky lightly shaking my shoulder. I sat up when I saw his eyes glistening with tears and slowly pulled him into a hug. He sobbed into my shoulder quietly, trying to hold back all of his confusing emotions.

"Hey... It's okay..." I assured, "Things are different now... you're safe... I'm here." We sat there for about an hour before he finally calmed down. I asked if he wanted to talk about what happened while I pulled away from him.

"My memories are coming back. Some good... Some bad... For so long, I haven't done one single good thing." He shook his head in disgust at himself, "I can't stand being the person that I've been... The thing that they made me into." He spat angrily before continuing, "I've killed so many people, innocent people, good people. People who didn't deserve what they got."

After he grew silent I whispered to him sadly, "And we will mourn each and every one of them. It wasn't you who killed them, it was Hydra. You aren't that person anymore, you didn't have a choice then. But you do now."

He then slid his arms under me and lifted me up. He carried me through to his bed and lay me down gently. He lay next to me and kissed my forehead, he then closed his eyes. I silently wrapped my arm around him and he pulled me against him slightly, so my head is resting on his chest before he falls into a calm sleep. I found the sound of his breathing and the steady rise and fall of his chest strangely comforting as I lay there in the darkness. It was that night that I decided to help Bucky get better. Since we found him he can't sit still for longer than thirty seconds. He flinches at sudden movements and loud noises. He tenses up and holds his breath after staying in his thoughts for too long. He needs to recover.

The next day Steve and I start arranging activities to take everything off Bucky's mind and help relax him. We made a list of them and decided to do them in order. The first one on the list, Baking, went surprisingly well. Bucky was extremely proud of the cupcake that he decorated to look like Steve's shield. Steve made a cupcake that has the frosting swirled around carefully in a way that made it look like a flower and mine had simple chocolate icing twirled and twisted to a point at the top, although I did mess it up a little. We took turns to decorate the rest of the batch, Bucky was very focused on keeping his hand steady to pipe the frosting onto the cupcake without ruining it. It was quite amusing really, watching him decorate a cupcake with the fluffy, pale blue icing with his tongue sticking out in concentration. We all really liked baking and eating them. That was the first time I had ever tried cake, I wish I had tried it sooner. It was amazing.

Trying to get Bucky to learn how to play an instrument was a bad idea and the next one on the list. At first everything was fine, he sat on the couch, a guitar resting on his thighs. He had learnt a few chords and was trying to play a simple song called "Wonderwall" by Oasis. I was contently sitting on the floor in front of him with an ocarina and Steve was resting on the armchair in the corner, a clarinet sitting between his lips. Yes, I picked possibly the easiest instrument to play ever, don't judge me. Bucky got one chord wrong and he threw the guitar across the room with such force that it smashed against the wall and split into sharp, wooden shards being held together by the strings. We sat in silence for a few minutes before Bucky offered a weak, "Sorry...".

Our next idea was a really good idea. Steve mentioned to me that he and Bucky used to love the four Walt Disney films that were out before the war. So we decided, since I had never gotten the chance to watch any Disney movies, that we would watch as many classics as we could together. Steve was eager to see how much animations had changed since then. One of Steve's friends, Clint, let us borrow all the Disney films that he and his wife possessed which was really nice of him. We made tea and hot chocolates and sat on the sofa together, then we watched all of the films he gave us in order. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Pinocchio, Fantasia, Dumbo, Bambi, Cinderella, Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, Sleeping Beauty, The Sword in the Stone, The Jungle Book, The Fox and the Hound, The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Lion King, Pocahontas, Toy Story, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Hercules, Mulan, Tarzan, The Emperor's New Groove, Monsters Inc., Lilo and Stitch, Treasure Planet, Finding Nemo, The Princess and the Frog, Tangled, Brave, Frozen and Big Hero 6. It took us an entire week to watch all of them. My favourite was Bambi, Steve's favourite was Pocahontas and Bucky's favourite was The Fox and the Hound.

Over time Bucky wasn't the only one who was recovering. I have slowly gained weight, gradually becoming more healthy. Steve has been smiling and joking around more than anyone has ever seen him do so since he woke up from being frozen. Bucky can sit still for 10 minutes straight and hasn't flinched at all since we watched The Lion King.

We have discovered things together. Doctor Who. Harry Potter. Nutella. Lord of the Rings. Pokemon. Nirvana. Tumblr. Starbucks. Star Wars. Back to the Future. Minecraft. The Beatles. Mario kart. Things that none of us knew even existed, yet is considered strange not to know about them.

We have bonded. Steve and I cook breakfast together every morning. Bucky and me curl up on the couch and watch old movies together, he occasionally gives me small kisses that are never as passionate as our first but still make my heart soar and we decided that I should just share his bed since I always end up sleeping there anyway. Bucky, Sam and Steve all go for a run together after breakfast. Pepper and I promised to visit each other at least once every month to spend all of Tony's money. Tony insisted to send a jet over to us to take us to Stark Tower for every single one of his parties. Bruce and I bumped into each other again and promised to meet for a coffee at some point. Steve is planning for Bucky and I to meet his friends, Natasha, Clint and Clint's family.

We are all getting better.