a chapter far more serious than the others, if suicide, self harm, mental disorders, and/or the mention rape bother you, you may have to sit this chapter out and wait until the next one is published.
you've been warned.
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Harry sniffled softly, looking around, he was on Louis' lap as Louis was asleep, he pushed away from him roughly and stood up, it pissed him off how he let himself fall asleep under Louis' care, he didn't need it. He'd rather be dead than touched by that asshole.
Louis stirred in his sleep, wrinkling up his nose and awakened not too long after. "..Harry, you okay?"
Harry teared up again wiping his eyes and walking out the bathroom only to get followed by none other than Louis.
"Leave me alone!" He screamed, "I hate you!" Harry pushed Louis roughly and and continued to walk away, of course he didn't mean it, but Louis pissed him off, he didn't want to be around him.
As Harry walked up the stairs he started to feel woozy, dizzy. He could barely breathe and he started to wheeze as he grabbed his throat, it felt like his asthma came back.
"Harry!" Louis called out As he finally caught up behind the struggling sixteen year old.
"Get off me." Harry slurred, almost out of breath,"g-get off.." Harry's voice trailed off into silence as he soon started let the cold blanket of darkness take over his sweet soul. Echoes of Louis' callings and cries sounded so far away from him. He was there, but he wasn't there.
Harry couldn't help but to wish he was dead.
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Harry woke up, he felt heavy and weighed down, his chest and eyes were the only capable things of moving. He was in a hospital bed, the tile ceiling and bright lights were familiar to him, only because when he was younger his panic attacks were worst than this, sometimes they led to him having breathing problems and he could pass out.
That's what just happened.
"Ashton. Calm down." He heard Michael whisper, Harry tried to speak but only a loud whimper was heard, Ashton rushed to his side and so did Michael, they both looked like they've been crying.
"Curly fry!" Michael cheered weakly, "look at you, you're awake."
Ashton didn't say word, he didn't smile, move.. he just stared down at him with tears in his eyes. It felt like more than a few seconds as he stared at Ashton, looking into his hurt filled eyes.
"I'm so sorry..I should've been there.." Ashton whispered. Harry shook his head and grabbed Ashton's hand, squeezing it tightly in his as if telling him not to blame himself, its not his fault. If anything, it was his own fault, he let Louis get to him, he let Kiloni get to him, he let it all get the best of him. It was anger. It was his fault, not Louis. He hated him for basically cheating on him, but it was not Louis.
"Not your fault." Harry whispered, "It's mine." Ashton furrowed his eyebrows and Michael covered his mouth to stop him from crying out. "I stressed myself out big brother, I'm the one to blame."
"Y-You..cut yourself.. why? I thought– I thought you stopped." Ashton stuttered, Harry closed his eyes and laid back against the pillow, clenching his eyes shut.
"I- I can't stop it.." Harry said with a small smile, "It's not a thing you can stop off the bat, Ash..I'm not you." Harry told him.
"Yes you can." Ashton said, furrowing his eyebrows, "I know you can..you're so strong and smart, hell when you were eleven you've went through so much worst, y-you know.."
Harry bit his lip and looked away with teary eyes, "I know." He whimpered. "You're better than me though Ash, when.. that lady.." Harry stopped himself once he looked over at Michael and then Ashton, Ashton nodded in approval, telling him to keep going. There was nothing to hide anymore. "That lady r-raped you,but you still came home for me." Harry wiped his eye roughly, "You acted like nothing happened and I don't understand!" Ashton sighed heavily, looking over to Michael who was trying so hard not to cry.
"I wanna be like you!" Harry shouted, "I wanna be in a happy relationship like you and Michael, I wanna know the feeling of not wanting yourself dead when you wake up first thing in the morning, I wanna know the feeling when you look down at your wrist and you know you're strong enough to not cut yourself repeatedly, over and over and over again, because you feel like the you're losing you grip on sanity and you hope that you hit your vein and die on impact. I wanna know what love is. I wanna know what being a normal sixteen year old feels like." Harry now was sobbing full out, Michael covered his mouth and started to cry as well. Everyone in the room was crying but Ashton.
He felt the need to cry.
But he couldn't.
"Harry." Ashton mumbled, but wasn't heard, "Harry. Look at me." He said sternly and Harry did, "You are so strong.. I'm gonna tell you that right now. I've seen you recover from panic attacks and asthma attacks like they've never happened. You have generalized anxiety and depression, but look at you.. you're here, even you don't want to be here, you are fucking here. Surrounded by people who fucking love you for you." tears slipped through Ashton's eyes rapidly and Harry gasped softly, he hasn't seen Ashton cry in a while, he knew how serious this was for him. "Don't ever in your fucking life think I don't love you because I do. Michael loves you, hell he heard you voice once and he said was gonna love you."
"I love you too, so much Ash...I love Michael, I-I love Louis, but Ash..I-I wanna die."
"Not on my fucking watch, Harry!" Ashton screamed, Michael pulled him back and sniffled, "I lost you once and I'll be damned if I lose you again! I can't..I just can't!" he fell onto his knees and started to sob, "I already lost mom and dad..I just can't lose you. Please.."he whimpered.
Harry tossed the cover off his body, rolling off the bed and trying to walk but he didn't get very fair, hell onto his knees and started to crawl towards his big brother, hugging him tightly. He held Ashton's hands in his and rested his head on his shoulder.
"Please don't leave me, little brother." Ashton whispered, rubbing his thumb over Harry's cuts as Harry eyed the old scars on Ashton's wrist.
"I'll try not to, Ash.."
-
serious note / explanation;
i'm sorry if you wanted this to be a larry chapter, but it's time for things to take a serious turn, you'll get lovey dovey at some point, but not now. i really want you to see how not every love story has a clear straight road of sweets and happiness, there will be turns and twists, they're not always going be happy with each other, you can't expect them to not fight and have their disagreements, they have personal problems of their own that they still cannot handle by themselves. harry is sixteen as louis is twenty, louis just learned how to trust harry and show some emotion, so just answer this, do you really think they can continue on when they haven't found themselves yet? what do you really think about their relationship?
