Nancy Boy (Frerard)

Chapter 4: Three Days I Fall out of Grace

"I have a question or paramount importance, and I feel as if I should've asked before now. My head is telling me I've waited too long and my heart I beating the same, yet it is vital. I apologise in advance that I did not do so. So, Gee, if I may ask, what pronouns do you use?"

I felt ridiculous. Three days into our misguided rendezvous and only now am I asking what I should refer to them as. They said they were a girl, so I assume that male pronouns are out of the question, but you can never be certain.

I try not to make assumptions because quite often the ones that are made are incorrect, and quite often a dozen more implicit issues are proposed.

Gee appears somewhat startled at my question, but I suppose not many people care enough to ask, or even reject the idea so completely that they insist upon themselves that ur doesn't matter.

"M-my pronouns? Oh, I um, well, I prefer female pronouns but gender neutral ones are okay too. Just not male ones please. I never expected you to use those though, not at all. And even if you did, I know you'd never misgender me on purpose. You're too fucking kind, honestly."

And then they, or she, rather, is blushing slightly, peering up at me through her eyelashes with the hint of a smile on her face, and the scene is the absolute goddamn light of my life.

"Of course, Gee. Thank you ever so much, sweetheart."

Her cheeks redden further, I can almost feel the heat radiating off of them.

The fucking things they do to me.

We stay relaxed in a comfortable silence, thoughts cascading in a blizzard. Our fingers remaining intertwined, but that no longer seems to matter. I think I could hold onto her hand forever, if only she'd let me.

A boy can dream.

"I start school tomorrow," Gee whispers, the broken chords ultimately slashing the silence to shreds.

"Tomorrow is Tuesday," I accuse, deeming it a strange day to start school, despite how hypocritical my muse may be. I'm supposed to be there today, but I'm not. I skipped in order to see her, of course, I'm in no position to talk.

They sigh, a sharp breath emanating from between their lips, "I know. I was supposed to start this morning, but I couldn't do it. Starting somewhere new like this is going to be difficult, I'm going to get so much shit, I just know it."

She then proceeds to pull a battered packet of cigarettes from her jacket pocket, her other hand still not leaving my own. As she places a cigarette between her lips, she cups the end and I, as a reflex, grab my own lighter with my free hand and light it.

She smiles, exhaling slightly in a weak puff of smoke before taking it back between her index and middle fingers, flicking away the ash with her thumb.

"Thanks, Frankie," and there's that fucking smile again, lighting up my world in the same way as I lit her cigarette.

She inhales, taking quite a large amount into her lungs, and I can almost feel the irritating burn at the back of her throat. Exhale. A curling puff of smoke dancing feverishly in the air before our eyes.

And the sight of it disappears almost instantly, but I know I'm still breathing it in, desperate for Gee's second-hand smoke as if it were my life source. In a way, I suppose it is.

I want to tell her that everything will be okay tomorrow, I want her to believe it. Fuck, even I want to believe it, but I can't. False senses of security are alright for a while, but they soon transform into mealiness lies. I can't lie to Gee.

Instead, I grip her hand tighter, never wanting to break the contact. "You know, Gee, no matter what happens tomorrow, I'll always be here for you. Please don't forget it. Wait, can I borrow your phone for a sec? That is, if you have one, I guess you do, I mean-"

I digress awkwardly, and she giggles, my heart melts, and she hands me her phone. "'Course I do, here. May I ask why?" Taking it from her hand, I open her contacts and add my number, jokingly adding 'xø' before 'Frankie'.

I decided to use her nickname for me, it's kinda cute, I suppose. Never would I ever allow anyone else to call me that, but she isn't just anyone. Gee is special, everything.

"My parents are gonna kill me for skipping today," she says softly into another breath of nicotine. Nodding, I trace small patterns on her hand with my thumb. A new canvas. "My mom probably will too, but that's just whatever. Will you be okay?" I ask, my voice filled with concern.

Gee could get into trouble just for meeting with me, and I can't help but think how all of this is indeed my fault. I should never've invited her here, for it could have saved us both so much trouble.

But when I see her shaking her head, her eyes locking with mine as she smiles, I know that inside I don't regret a goddamn thing.

"Who knows? Depends if they find out, I suppose. Whatever, I'll be fine, they have other things involving me to worry about, don't they? Like who's gonna see me dressed like this, or something else that doesn't concern them in the slightest. I'll make it though, she'll just have to live with the fact I didn't start today.

"I needed time to process it all, to overcome the fear possessing me, to try and save myself. You're helping though, you know? I'm so grateful that you're here with me now, that you're helping. I've never had anyone else like that in my life.

"So thank you, Frankie, for bringing me out here today, I can't fucking thank you enough."

"The feeling's mutual, Gee," and we share a grin, a positive feeling, a moment that will haunt me for as long as I remember it.