Nancy Boy (Frerard)

Chapter 3: Entertain My Faith

Gee runs their fingers through their hair, nodding solemnly after contemplating my request. In a way I feel proud of myself; I'm the kind of person that Gee is going to open up to.

Whilst I'm uncertain what specifically to expect, I remain adamant to not break the faith they have in me. Trust may just be the most important concept in any friendship, any relationship, and losing that would be catastrophic. What are we without trust?

"I've known since I was a kid, really. I'd look at girls and wonder why they're so much prettier than I, why they're allowed to wear skirts and dresses and heels but for myself it is frowned upon. I just wanted to be pretty, Frankie.

"As I grew older, I began to grow jealous of every girl I saw, you know? I wanted a figure like that, curves instead of lines and everything in between.

"It wasn't so long ago, not really, maybe two years or so, but like I said, I discovered that this wasn't necessarily something unnatural. 'Experts' label it gender dysphoria, but that isn't quite it. I'm not a boy, I just know it. The only thing 'masculine' about me is the shape of my body.

"On the inside, I'm everything but. I realised that I can be a girl, I am a girl, and that's perfectly okay. Well, maybe not totally, I don't know. It doesn't matter though, I found acceptance from people online who supported me through it all."

I smile kindly, a gesture for Gee to continue, to let them know that I'm listening and I'm there for them. Always.

They don't deserve the ignominious sense of defeat their family and society bestows upon them, but that's okay, because as long as somebody is there for you everything appears to be okay again. That person becomes everything and everyone who never listened gradually fades to nothing, and you begin to feel a little more awakened, a splatter of reality entering your life as you learn to love yourself for the person you are.

"I love the way the clothes I dress in make me feel, Frank, but my parents seem to disagree. They're ever so ashamed of me, I'm the bane of their existence, and sometimes they even find pleasure in pretending I don't exist at all.

"The people around our old town frowned upon us, the Ways, simply because of the person I am. Eventually it all got too much for my parents, and they ran away from it all. It was cowardly move on their part, yet I doubt they regret it at all.

"Their lives are miserable because of me, people shun our family name all because of me, everything is my fault, isn't it?"

And Gee looks up at me in a melancholy fashion, my heart shattering and tears pricking my eyes.

I never realised how rough it was to lead a life like that, not really. It had never been something is considered much if I'm completely and undoubtedly honest.

I've always been so accepting of all aspects of the LGBTQIA+ community yet I'd never known what exactly it feels like to be a part of it. Well, I've come to terms with the fact I'm not particularly straight, but I'm closeted, I suppose. Nobody has ever asked, so I never told.

I never liked labels much, but I suppose that if I were to give myself one it would be 'pansexual'. I feel attraction towards people regardless of sex or gender identity, and I don't see why it's different for other people.

Why should it matter what someone identifies as or what's between their legs? Surely if you like someone, you like them for being them? I don't know how gender or sex could be a reason to not like someone, I don't think I ever will. It doesn't matter at all, it never should.

Supposedly, some people are just far too ignorant to see that.

I inch closer to Gee, the tension in the air being removed completely by our closeness. For many, this enhances it or brings the feeling to their attention, but with Gee it just feels right. I'm addicted to the close proximity we share, the feeling of their bodily warmth against my own.

I wrap my arms around them tightly, resting my head upon their shoulder and bringing them as close to me as possible. They visibly melt into my touch and reciprocate the action. It's desperate, a needy representation of just how much we need one another. I can feel that Gee needs me just as much or more than I need them.

"No, Gee, it's not your fault. Never apologise for being who you are, never apologise for being different. You are just as valid as everyone else, and the people the can't see that are just uneducated twats.

"They have no reason to discriminate against you, Gee. I promise that nothing is your fault, please don't blame yourself, sweetheart."

Gee nods their head once again in acknowledgement, though still resting between my neck and shoulder. I feel the warm breath leaving their lips and making contact with my skin, electrifying me in ways I never knew to exist.

And Gee is alive.

I am alive.

We are alive, here, now, and there must be some kind of reason no matter how insignificant it may seem. Everyone has a purpose, no matter how personal or global, and now I believe that I have indeed found mine.

Gee is my purpose. It doesn't matter that we have only known of one another's existence for but two days, I now dedicate myself to helping them. They're going to feel comfortable in their skin, with themselves, with me.

I don't care how long it takes me, we are going to work as a single unit and I'm going to help them. They just need a way out; I want to be their way out.

And we will be infinite.