Secrets in the Sand

chapter 2

Maya POV: I got home from the beach at about 11:00. Kayla is supposed to come over at 2:00. I sit and think for a while about how I can help her. How do you help someone who doesn’t think they need help? I really don’t know the answer to that one. I get out my phone and google eating disorders. While I’m waiting for it to load, I fall asleep.

I wake up at 1:30, and realize I haven’t eaten lunch yet. I think about skipping it, since I have gained a little bit of weight in the past 2 weeks, but I decide that wouldn’t be healthy, and it definitely wouldn’t set a good example for Kayla. I make myself a ppj, and when I finish it, I sit and wait for Kayla to get there. A few minutes later the doorbell rings, and I answer it. I open the door and Kayla is standing there, looking very fragile, barely able to carry her sleeping bag. There’s a smile on her face, but her eyes are very puffy and red, as if she’s been crying, and she has dark circles under her eyes from malnutrition. Just seeing my best friend in this state breaks my heart. I take the sleeping bag from her since she could barely carry it, and as I’m grabbing it, her sleeve slides up to reveal some fresh-looking cuts. She still doesn’t know that I know, so I decide not to say anything yet.

Kayla POV: ...aaand she saw them. I felt my sleeve slip, and I looked at her to see if she saw. I could tell she had, but it was weird. She didn’t look disgusted or angry, instead she looked hurt and a little bit disappointed. Crap. She’s probably going to want to ‘help’ me. I don’t need any help. This is my life. I need to be skinny, and I need to cut to get rid of the pain. The pain caused by the fact that I’m a big, ugly, fat, stupid disappointment.

Maya POV: I have decided what to do. I will play it cool but give her plenty of chances tonight to tell me about her issues. If she doesn’t, then tomorrow morning I will bring it up myself. I ask her what she wants to do. We decide to watch The Little Mermaid, since thats our favorite disney movie. I make enough popcorn for both of us, and set it in between us. I look at her as I set it down. I can see the fear in her eyes, she’s afraid of the food. As we watch the movie, I offer her some popcorn about every five minutes. The third time I offer, she just snaps. “No! I don’t want any f*cking popcorn! What are you trying to do, b*tch, make me fat?! I can’t eat the popcorn, so just shut the f*ck up already!!!” I turn off the movie as she bursts into tears. I hug her and she cries on my shoulder for about 5 minutes, and then she pulls away and looks at me. “I’m so sorry Maya, you’re my best friend, and I shouldn’t have treated you that way. I understand if you hate me and want me to leave.”

“It’s ok, I don’t hate you or want you to leave. I want you to stay and I want to help you. Do you want to talk about it?” She curls up into a ball and nods.

Kayla POV: I feel so bad, I just completely snapped at Maya. Why did I treat her that way? Ugh, she probably hates me now. She will probably want me to go home now. I really don’t want to go home to my parents tonight, we already had a huge fight today and they’re extremely drunk. It’s weird, they get drunk all the time, yell the worst possible insults at me, yet they never lay a hand on me. I think they know that they can get away with this since it’s just emotional abuse, so it’s hard to prove, therefore they can’t get in trouble with the law. Anyway, if I want any chance of not having to see my parents tonight, I need to apologize to Maya. I pull away from the hug she had pulled me into, and apologize to her. “I’m so sorry Maya, you’re my best friend, and I shouldn’t have treated you that way. I understand if you hate me and want me to leave.” I start to get up, but then she says “It’s ok, I don’t hate you or want you to leave. I want you to stay and I want to help you. Do you want to talk about it?” I’m relieved that she isn’t going to make me go, but I’m torn on talking about it. Part of me knows I have a problem and need help, but the voices are telling me no. “The only thing you need help with is getting skinnier, fatty!” “You don’t deserve help, you fat, pathetic loser!” “You can’t trust her! She just wants to make you fat! The only thing you can trust is us!!!” I shake my head trying to get the voices to shut up, and then I realize I have to say something. “I-I don’t know.”

“It’s ok, Kayla, you can talk to me.”

I looked in her eyes and I saw the hurt again. This isn’t supposed to hurt her. I would never want to hurt her. I decide to tell her everything, I think she deserves to know.

“I’m so sorry Maya, this isn’t supposed to hurt you. I know you saw the cuts. I saw the hurt in your eyes. I would never want to hurt you, you’re such an amazing friend. I’m gonna try to get better for you. Can you please help me?”

I started talking, and then suddenly I was asking for help. I felt so much better after I did, though.

Maya POV: “Can you please help me?”

“Of course I’ll help you Kayla.”

I pulled her into another hug. I’m so glad she was able to open up and ask for help. I know that it took a lot of courage, and I am really proud of her. I decide to tell her my story.

“I’m so proud of you for opening up like that. I know how hard that was for you. And I know how you feel.”

“Yeah, it was hard, but I feel better now. But, I kind of doubt you know how I feel. You would never hate yourself or cut yourself like I do.”

“Actually...”

“What?”

“I used to do that...”

“Really?”

“Yep. It started about a year before I met you. It was freshman year and I was really stressed. My classes were a lot harder than they were in middle school, and my grades were slipping a little bit. This may sound silly, but I felt like a failure if I didn’t get straight-A’s. Also, My body was starting to change, and I was gaining fat in places I didn’t like. I started skipping meals and studying in order to distract myself from the food. My grades went back up and my weight went down, and I thought if I kept that up, I would eventually be good enough, and then I could be happy. But here’s the thing, I wasn’t getting happier. With each pound I lost, my goal weight got 2 pounds lower. If I got even an A- on a test at school, I felt like a failure. By this point, I just thought I was worthless. I started cutting myself, and it became an addiction. I even contemplated suicide a few times.”

“Wow, and you’re recovered now?”

“Well, sort of. I’m a lot better and healthier than I was, and I sometimes even feel pretty now, but every day is a struggle.”

“You SOMETIMES feel pretty?!? But you’re so beautiful and perfect, I had always just assumed you knew that!!!”

“You’re beautiful and amazing, too. And nobody is perfect, don’t ever call anyone perfect or try to be perfect.”

Just then my mom came into my room and reminded us that we need to get enough sleep. We change into our PJ’s and go to bed. I lay awake for a little while, just thinking about our conversation. I’m really glad Kayla is willing to try to get better. I guess God listened to my prayers.