Goodbye Letters

9. CYNTHIA

2 more entries and this is finished :O At some point I plan on rewriting this and making it longer and more interesting for the time being I just need to finish it in 'short story' form so my fair will accept it :)

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February 4th, 2013

Three days, that’s all I have left to wait. Three days and it will be good bye forever. After that last entry? Yeah, well I was going to go for a walk and I wound up getting yelled at by mom and screaming back at her and stuff and left, I stayed in an alley all night and practically froze. I almost didn’t go to school Friday but figured it was the best way to get back home. Rode the bus home and haven’t talked to mom since. I think she’s like going to therapy or something and taking Patrick I hope it helps him. I’ve been avoiding him, too. He makes my decision so much harder. Francis isn’t helping either by suddenly caring but at least she’ getting close to Patrick that should make things easier on him. I’m going to leave a letter to Francis that should cover my points. Help her and Patrick.

Oh well, three days and none of this will be my worry any more. Three days and I’ll find out if heaven or hell is real, huh? –Cynth

Finishing her entry she shoves the black notebook under her pillow and goes over in her mind again how it will work. Thursday morning, get up and get ready for school, wear my black skinny jeans, tight red shirt, black sweatshirt, hair in a messy ponytail. I go to school. Afterwards I have that stupid appointment mom made me which works out kind of coolly actually, makes it look like she pushed me past my limit, after the shrink I’ll walk to the overpass and jump. Not my first choice scenario but that way I’ll be reported and Patrick won’t ever have to see the truth. They can just tell him I forgot to look both ways before crossing the street or something her thoughts pause then freezing on a smiling face of her sweet little brother no, don’t think about Patrick, block him, there is no stopping now. She drifts off the sleep a ghostly image of Patrick, tears on his plump cheeks haunts her every dream.

Four days later, after more bullying in school, more ignoring her parents, more blocking her mom’s arguments and threats out, she wakes up today is the day she thinks as she slides out of bed. She dresses in the outfit she’s laid out, stuffs her converse on, reaches under her pillow and grabs her ‘Good bye’ notebook. Quickly ripping a page out she grabs a pencil and scribbles two notes on it ‘Junior, I love you and I want you to always know that. Remember that Patrick. Find something to get you through, k? Francis, ask her to help you. <3 Cynth

Francis, Take a piece of advice: find something worth living for and live. Never cut, never binge, never self-harm in any way. I know you’ve been reading a bible and I’ve seen you start to change, if religion is what you can life for cling to it and show it to Patrick. You’re all he has left now because as much as you’d like to find a silver lining the truth is our parents suck at being parents and aren’t going to be there for him; just like they haven’t for you and weren’t for me. I do love you, you know, in some warped and twisted way I never could stop even though I tried and although this isn’t going to exactly look true I did love you. -Cynth

She leaves it on her desk, slings her back pack over her shoulder and heads for the bus stop. While passing through the kitchen she ignores the banana her mom shoves towards her and slams the door not having said a word nor met anyone in the eyes. She sits at the bus stop waiting until it arrives and finds a solitary seat. Throughout her day the bullying is worse, her makeup is noticeably darker and heavier and the jerks roaming the halls don’t fail to point it out “hey, you’re doing better, fits the stereotype better” Shouts one boy as he brushes past her this is going to be so worth it she tells herself as she keeps walking.

After school is let out she walks the four blocks to the psychiatrist’s office. Sitting in the waiting room she pages through magazines until her name is called “Cynthia?”

“Cynth” She corrects standing to follow the nurse back “Not that it matters after today” she mumbles to herself.

After the appointment with a soft spoken woman who doesn’t pry just sits there offering to listen, Cynthia leaves. She only says one thing the whole half hour and it’s as the shrink tries to hug her saying “maybe next week talking will come easier. It’s okay that today didn’t we have time.” Cynthia stepped back and pasted a cynical smile on her face “And that is where you’re wrong. There is and will be no more time. Ever.” Then she walked away leaving the woman in shock “No more time” ringing in her mind. Suicide, the girl’s mother hadn’t mentioned she was suicidal just that she’s been bullied and seems to be demonic or at the least gothic.

Looking out the window she watches Cynthia exit the building and lean against the wall of the alley beside. She turns away then and what she never sees is Cynthia pulling a blade from her pocket and slowly, carefully cutting four fresh slashes on her wrist and pulling out her black note book to write her final Good Bye Letter.

February 7th, 2013

Dear World,

Today it ends.

I already wrote the only two important people in my life good bye and now I’m writing the world. Writing it so that whoever finds me will see what my life has been and understand that this way was best.

This ends the cutting, ends the cycle of pain and hurt, ends the bullying, ends me burdening you with my existence.

I’m going to walk over to exit and jump from the overpass. It’s certainly not how I expected to do it but it’s the best way I can think of. I tried to cut but I just couldn’t make myself go deep enough but once I jump, which I’m sure I’ll have the nerve for, there’s no stopping the inevitable.

So now is it. This is my final Good Bye.

Cynthia May Lewis

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alrighty so.... comments please :)