Goodbye Letters

2. Theadora

Monday, January 14th, 2013

                Today was an interesting day. Yesterday at church pastor Donald challenged each of us youth to spend today praying for a mission in life. As you know I struggle with feeling useful in this life. Here I am a senior with no plans of what to do after graduation this spring but this painful ach deep in my heart telling me that I’m not doing what I should be now. I don’t know why because I’m doing exactly what all the girls around me in our ‘group’ are doing and what is considered right. Maybe I feel extra pressure because most of me wants to do something, like something other than graduate and wait for prince charming to come and claim my hand (haha, note sarcasm) but then I know I’m setting the example for Katie and I’d hate to be leading her astray. I just really don’t know. Is it okay for a girl to be something other than a graduate-marry-stay-at-home-mom? If it is okay but your parents don’t think so is it okay to try to convince them otherwise?

  Well, at any rate, I took Pastor Donalds advice and when I woke up this morning the very first thing on my mind was ‘God, what am I supposed to spend my life doing for you?’ immediately my subconscious self brought to mind that scripture in Ecc I think where it says how the chief end of man is glorifying God and then I rolled over and went back to sleep :P I got up shortly thereafter though and throughout the rest of the day let my mind muddle over it. ‘What should I be doing God?’ and by the end of today I really don’t have an answer but I have reached a point of peace which I think is a good thing…. Maybe. So, if I have peace I’m hoping that means I’ve reached a point where God will use me or at least be obviously guiding me. I don’t really know but hey, peace is an improvement. No guarantees that it will last but as long as its here I shall appreciate it and thank God for it. ~Theadora B. W.

As she finished her diary entry she switched off her light and settled into her pillows ready for a good night’s sleep. She could hear Katie in the bed beside her already sleeping I hope she never struggles the way I do. I hope she reaches my age and can easily and happily submit to what mom and dad expect of her and I hope and pray that my example doesn’t lead her astray.  Are Theadore’s last thoughts before she drifts off to sleep.

In the morning Theadore wakes to her older brother Andrew shaking her “Hey, Thea, get up, mom wants your help with breakfast.”

“Wha?” Theadora mumbles.

“You heard me, up.” He yanks her comforter from her letting the wintery cool get to her.

“Drew!” she yells glaring at him as she sits up. “Come on man, I was getting up.”

Sure you were.” He replies and rolls his eyes. He shakes Katie on his way out and goes to the kitchen. “So mom, what’s on the schedule for today?” He asks her as she pops two slices of toast from the toaster.

"Well, it looks like you need to take the girls to the youth meeting this afternoon because I have that doctor appointment.”

“What doctor appointment?” Thea asks as she finger brushes her hair walking into the kitchen.

“I have a doctor appointment. You knew that.” Her mother answers, continuing to serve plates of breakfast.

“Oooh, yeah, that one. Mhmm.. I remember.” Theadore says a girlish grin on her face.

Her mother gives her a pointed look as Katie walks into the room. “Thea, get some silver wear and pour the orange juice, and good morning Katie.” Their mother says addressing the youngest of her three children.

“Am I missing something?” fifteen year old Katie asks as she notices Drew whacking a smirking Thea with a towel.

“No, Thea was just teasing mom.” Says Drew as he digs into the plate of eggs and toast his mom has just handed him.

“About?” Katie questions as she sits on a stool at the counter, waiting for her mom to hand her a plate. Her mother tenses and Katie instantly pushes her orange juice cup away from her. “Is something wrong? What are you guys not telling me?” She questions in a panic.

Her mother comes around the counter and hugs her daughter “Katie, its okay, I’m just, I’m pregnant again and I wasn’t going to tell you until I was farther along this time.” Behind them Theadora is jumping up and down in a happy dance “Yes! Isn’t it exciting?” She questions, her face shinning with joy.

Katie just shrugs picking at the chipping paint on her nails “Yeah, I guess, if it lives.” Her eyes fill with tears and she rushes down the hall to the bathroom.

Over the past fifteen years her mother has been pregnant seven times and all had ended as miscarriages. The first few times Katie had been over-joyed with the news she would have a baby sibling but as time and time again that joy would turn to the pain of loss it has become hard to celebrate the news. For Theadore the news is always welcomed with the same happy-dancing-joy and although Drew is more solemn about it he is always excited, too, but for Katie it has just become too much.

After watching her youngest daughter close herself in the bathroom she turns to face Theadora “I wasn’t going to tell her, you know how it hurts her Thea.”

“I’m sorry mom, but, I’m excited, it’s hard not to act like it, besides, she was going to have to know sooner or later.” Says Theadora as she sets her own breakfast down to follow her sister. She knocks on the bathroom door and can hear a sobbing Katie blowing her nose.

“Who’s there?” Katie sniffles.

“Me.”

Katie opens the door to let her older sister in.

“Katie” Thea mumbles as she pulls her little sister into a hug. “It’s okay to miss the others but it’s okay to be excited about this one, too.”

Katie pulls back and stares at her sister “How can you be excited when it feels like you know that within three months you’re going to have get over ever having anticipated it. Every time Thea, seven times I’ve been through this. Let myself be excited that I’m finally going to have a baby that is my own siblings, to love and hold only to have it taken before I ever even met it!” The tears have started streaming down her face again as she begins to shout at her sister. Thea doesn’t let it bother her though, she simply reaches out and wraps her arms around her sister again. “Katie, because we do have it now, right now we have a little sister or brother, and whether we get to meet it in eight months or when we die and go to heaven we’ll always have it, I haven’t forgotten a single one and I can’t wait until we all are in heaven one day hanging out with all my siblings, the seven since you, the three between you and I, and the one between Drew and I, all fifteen of us, we’re going to meet someday, lets just hope and pray that we get to meet this one here on earth, okay?”

Somewhere in her sisters words Katie finds the peace she needs to overcome the pain.

“Okay Thea.” She whispers and together they bow their heads, arms wrapped around one another, and pray for a safe and healthy pregnancy and delivery of their newest sibling.