cody herbinko ; imagines

anxiety.

(click for audio >>) 

shaking. 

you were shaking, your body sweating and your mind racing. nothing, absolutely nothing could be heard over the storms that swirled in your head, obliterating every ounce of common sense you could possibly maintain. drowning in pure worry, fear, dreadful anticipation that swallowed you whole. and you couldn't take it.

open your hands, close and clench, open, close and clench, release.

taking deep breaths, thinking happy thoughts, it was all a false cure. had they no idea what it felt like to be trapped under such pressure? intimidated by your body? your own capability? everything you could possibly withhold, strength, mind, power, all diminished into tiny specks of dust that will soon be washed away by morning sunlight.

a new day is brought but the same, anxious, horrid feeling, would remain. and no one would understand just what if felt like to be dragged under by your own hands, shoved by your thoughts, drowned beneath your own tears. anxiety is not just developed, isn't just a one time thing. isn't something one person may cause, isn't just a rock to trip on. it is a thing, a living thing that is here to live on as shadow, that is the cause of your over thinking, your insecurities, your doubting, your worst enemy.

it is the thing the mind and body fears, shuts down your limbs and turns on the gears that grind in your head. sleepless nights, haunting whispers that mean nothing but a mere word to them but everything that has ever lived to you. brought down under the weight that sits upon your shoulders, it is worse than a deadly fairytale, worse than the first world problems that shouldn't be first world problems.

with shaking hands, and the last ounce of willpower you can maintain, you dialed the only person you knew that could possibly help you right now.

with a steady ringing contrasting from the rapid pace of your heart, you brought the phone to your ears where you listened quietly for the familiar voice that would allow you to cave and provide comfort in return.

"hello? y/n?"

"cody," you mumbled, unable to perfectly spit put the words you so wanted.

"y/n, baby, what's wrong? it's 2 in the morning are you okay?" his voice contained a heavy rasp to it, the soothing slowness mixed in presented a sense of calmness that englufed you. sitting against the headboard of your bed, you let out a large breath, bringing your hands in front of you as you watched them shake.

"talk to me," you pleaded, the vulnerability that tangled with your words not to be missed, "please, just talk to me."

"about what--"

"anything, please," you choked out, the tears running down your face unmistaken and the heavy hammer to your chest more painful than ever. words and words thrown around in your mind, hoping that cody could overpower those viscous whispers. your body felt over heated and your limbs feeling numb. you tried to keep the phone to your ear, listening to cody but it was so tempting to drop the phone and curl up into a ball until every bad thought found it's way from your head.

"I'm there, right there with you okay? you can feel me, close your eyes and feel my arms wrapping around your body and whispering just how perfect you are. listen to me quietly beg those thoughts of yours to find another mind to mess with, to even come to me if it meant you could finally relax.

"take a deep breath, and feel my kisses against your skin. on your shoulder, against your neck, along your cheek. i want you to feel the way my hands would turn your body so you face me. close your eyes and feel my hands pressed against your cheeks, okay, princess? remember the color of my eyes?"

slowly nodding but remembering he couldn't see you, you mumbled a quiet "yes," before speaking again with your eyes closed, "blue."

"keep your eyes closed," and you did, "now pretend you see my eyes, looking right through you like i always do. you are worth so much okay? please don't ever forget that, love. take another breath, and i want you to wrap your arms around yourself, just like i would. i want you to love yourself just as i would if i were there. tell those ugly thoughts to leave you alone, and i promise I'll be right next to you for real tomorrow.

"we'll spend all day together, i want you to think about what we would do. what should we do? lay in bed all day? go for a walk? you've always wanted to go ice skating, we can do that. how about a drive in movie? anything you want and I'll be there to give, okay?"

"okay," you breathed, your eyes closed, picturing the way cody's arms would feel wrapped at your sides, his body pressed against yours in the dark of the room, the heat providing a comforting embrace. he would be here, pressing kisses in every spot he could see, telling you jokes in your ear and stories that would make you crack a smile because that's just how much he loved you and how much he wished you a happy ending.

"how does it feel? what does it usually feel like when I hold you?" he spoke, his voice so quiet and soothing, it left you questioning just how he could manage such a thing.

"warm," you replied, voice fragile like glass, "secure, everything in one."

"feel that, feel the way I make you feel when it's just us. go back to our happy place where its just us. take yourself away from that dark room and find our happy place. and once you do, I want you to picture our day tomorrow and what you'd like to do."

"i think laying in bed sounds like a good idea," you gave a half smile, watching as your hand still shaked but not as harshly. your beating heart had slowed but the heat of your body remained.

"then we can do just that. now, tell me," cody sighed, "what happened?"

opening your eyes, you stretched your legs out before tucking them into your chest. you didn't want to say anything, didn't want to express or retell what your mind had conjured up.

"can i tell you when i don't feel this way?" you tried, hoping he'd understand and not push you any further.

"of course," cody's voice remained under a comforting rasp, the tiredness much more evident now.

"go to sleep, love," you whispered, hearing out the steady breaths he was taking which brought a certain subtlety to your chest.

"no, ill stay up until you fall asleep."

"I'll fall asleep eventually, you're tired, please, rest."

"only if you rest," he pushed, rustling sounded in the background to which you could only assume was cody getting comfortable in a new position.

"okay, but stay on the phone, yeah?" it would only make you more relaxed knowing cody would be on the end in a seconds notice if you needed him.

"whatever you wish," cody let out a breathy laugh, moving a little more. getting more comfortable, you tucked yourself beneath the blankets and set your phone beside you on your pillow.

"goodnight, cody, thank you for being you."

"goodnight, y/n, I'll always be here."

-

yiiikkeesss
sorry its been so long ):

I've been soooo busy with school and family issues but im on break now, so I hope to be updating more frequently ((: j have tons planned to write which im super excited about !!

but please don't forget to vote/comment bc its much appreciated and makes me a happy cody lovin girl

ALSO: if you could, I made a new account ( @verbatims ) in which im writing a new bad boy story that isnt cliche I promise, but it would mean alot if u guys checked it out and let me know how you liked it ((: the writing is much better I can tell you that but feedback would be sooo appreciated !!