Gone

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen:

I kissed her and she kissed me back. What did that mean?

I didn't stick around long to find out. We kissed for quite awhile before Holly finally pushed me away, looking completely lost at what had happened between us. The kiss was intense and passionate, with a little bit of tongue (sorry my perverted side had to make an appearance) and she'd responded.

Before I even had a chance to think about what happened Holly bolted out of the bathroom and shut the door to her room quickly.

My brain was frozen, my limbs unable to move, what did I do? Did I just ruin a friendship? The beginning of a friendship?

This was why I hated being drunk and trying to get rid of all my worries with alchol. I always did something this stupid. It was how I ended up kissing Lily at a party and starting our relationship; hurting us both when it ended. That finally got me moving.

I hoped off of the counter and marched across the hallway and knocked lightly on Holly's bedroom door. "Holly?" I kept my voice quiet, her dad was probably sleeping and I didn't want to wake him with all of the sudden drama.

I didn't get an answer and tried to come up with a way to get her to open the door for me. I turned the handle; locked. I knocked again without an answer, there probably wouldn't be a way I could coax her out of there so I sat down outside of her door. Maybe if I stayed there she would calm down and talk to me?

But what would I say if she came out? I thought about it for a minute, unable to come up with anything good enough to justify it besides the fact that I was drunk. My brain was sluggish from the kiss still (or being drunk) and my lips buzzed with the reminiscence of Holly's on mine. I couldn't think; why wasn't I happy about this? She kissed me back, that was the point.

But what if she doesn't feel the same way? What if she pushes you away and calls you names? What if she doesn't care about you anymore? What if she never cared? What if you just made a fool of yourself?

The doubts clouded out all of the good until my stomach was queasy and my heart was pounding with fear. Was she going to come out of the room and talk to me? What would I say? My heart clenched painfully and I stood up and ran down the stairs before flinging open the door and rushing out. This wasn't a good day, everything had gone bad. What was I thinking?

I wasn't thinking, that was the problem. Holly made me feel things I'd only felt with Lily and she'd felt the same way about me, I'd never questioned that. But Holly was different, she didn't know that I liked girls or what it was like to interact witha girl who liked the same sex. She was raised in a town where everyone believed in the bible and never had to deal with gays. She probably didn't understand what I had done.

Being gay was a sin to a lot of people. I'd been called a dyke more than once and I'd kind of become used to it. But Holly; what she thought of me mattered more than I really wanted to admit.

None of this was supposed to happen, I thought bitterly. I wasn't supposed to do this, I wasn't supposed to create feelings for someone I had no chance with. It was torture, I already knew that. I couldn't do it, I couldn't be falling for someone that I could never ever have.

As I walked home my mind was whirling and I wouldn't allow my heart to rule over what I thought. It was a bad idea, all of it was. I would have to stay away from Holly now, I didn't want to see the disgust on her face when she finally realized what had happened.

With that in mind I changed into pajamas and went to bed; exhausted but unable to fall asleep with my mental turmoil. 

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