Monday, which means I have to go to work. Honestly I don't want to because last night was shit. I couldn't sleep. All I did was cry. I let it all out. I do that sometimes to release the pain.
I felt really bad yesterday. I shouldn't have done that to Harry. All those memories. I wish I could forget it but I can't. The things I'm scared of , all the nightmares came true. Now I've nothing to be scared of. I've been through it all. I had no one. I didn't have a shoulder to cry on. I didn't have anyone to trust. All these secrets are kept within me. Sometimes it feels like it could burst out. Every time someone asks me "Are you okay?" "Is anything wrong?" "What happened?". But I don't know how I keep it all in.
My eyes are all swollen up from the amount of crying I did last night. I force myself to get out of bed. I wash my face millions of times to make it look like I didn't cry. No, it didn't work. My eyes are still bloodshot red. I wear a navy blue shirt with black pants. I do a little make up to look the least presentable.
I reach Amethyst and I try my best not to make eye contact with anyone. I settle down on my desk. Harry arrives a few minutes later.
"Hi." He says.
"Hello." I say not making any eye contact.
He says nothing after that. Maybe he noticed. I don't want to look so vulnerable in front of him. I want to look strong and self- sufficient even if I'm not. I don't want anyone's sympathy.
It's lunch break now. Honestly I'm not hungry at all. I'm just surrounded by my past. Once it comes to my mind it doesn't leave easily. Everyone goes to the break room. I'm planning on staying here. If I go someone might notice and ask questions I don't want to answer. Then suddenly someone tapped me on the shoulder. Someone I knew would do that.
"Can we talk?" He asked.
"About what?"
"Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry. It was unintentional. I didn't mean to."
"It's okay. You didn't know. I'm sorry I reacted like that. I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."
This time I acted wrong. This time was my time to apologise. He knows nothing about me. I can't just shout at him for something he's not aware of. I feel so bad now. First, I hate him for acting bad with me for something I didn't know about and now here I am doing the same to him. I shouldn't have reacted like that.
I think I made him curious just like he made me. He might be able to contain it but for me it's becoming impossible day by day. I want to know so bad what's going on in his head. Damn it. Maybe I don't hate him anymore. After what I did I don't think I have the right to. I did the same thing he did to make me hate him.
Now I understand how je must've felt those days when he apologised to me for shouting at me about something I didn't know. I didn't even listen. I'm so stubborn. Like me he also maybe had some reason. My reason is big and really dark. What if he's reason was darker.
"Don't be. But why?" He snaps me out of my thoughts.
"Harry, it's just reminds me of the past. The past I would give anything away to forget about. That's it."
"What happened, Nat?"
"It's something I'd like to keep to myself like you're confidential files."
Thanks for reading!! Please vote if you like it!!! All the love <3
-Dana
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