Ilang oras din akong nakaupo at nakatingin sa notebook at ballpen nasa harapan ko.
Ilang oras na din ang nakakaraan matapos ang pag uusap namin ni Joy.
Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng isang sitwasyon kung saan kailangan kong mamili. Wether to write a note or not.
I don't know what pushed me para gawin ang sinabi ni Joy. Maybe I am too tired from all the pain I've had ever since.
Maybe I am too overwhelmed on her words.
Or maybe I wanted to free myself from everything and to be loved.
That's what my heart wants....I believe.
But then there's something in my head that keeps me thinking on not doing it
"If you write a note to God how sure are you na mababasa at malalaman Niya yung sinulat mo." -Brain
"Go on, write. He will surely know your feelings." -Heart
"Alam mo ba kung saan mo ipaadala yan. May address ba? Aasa ka lang. Magpapagod ka lang." -Brain
Totoo naman, wala nmang sinabi si Joy na address kung saan pwede kong ipakita o ipadala to. So why would I waste my time and energy on doing something na walang kasiguraduhan.
I sigh heavily.
Maybe my brain is right. I am just wasting my time. At aasa lang ako...
ulit...
So I decided to keep my notebook and pen on my bag. tumayo ako at tinungo ang kama ko. Napagod ako sa pag iisip.
As I lay on my bed I thought I will stop on thinking about the note.
My brain just won
Yes my BRAIN. But damn why do I have this feeling...
Sadness..
All my life I know the feeling of being sad pero it is different from the sadness na dinadala ko.....
Very different..
Yung feeling na malungkot ka kasi hindi mo nakuha yung gusto mo.
Yung feeling na hindi mo nakain yung paborito mong pagkain.
Yung feeling na hindi mo nagawa yung dapat at gusto mong gawin.
Is this because of that damn note.
Pinilit kong ipikit ang mga mata ko. Hanggang sa maramdaman ko na lang ang pagod, not just physically but also mentally. At hindi ko namamalayan ay nakatulog na pala ako.
"Alam mo baby sobrang saya namin ng daddy mo nung lumabas ka sa mundong ito." Masayang sabi ni Mommy habang hinahawi ang buhok ko.
"We thought we will never have a child." Nakita kong nalungkot si Mommy kaya tinitigan ko siya. "But we prayed to God. We never stop praying to God. We believe that He is there listening in every prayer we make...And then miracles do happen." At tinignan nya si Daddy.
"And there He blessed us with a very beautiful and loving daughter. We couldn't asked for more. Your existence is enough. But He is so great. God gives us more blessings." Binuhat ako ni Daddy at hinalikan sa noo.
"Kaya ikaw baby, pray ka lagi kay Papa God ahh." Hinalikan din ako ni Mommy sa pisngi.
And there I found myself in front of my family silently watching the scene that I know is part of my childhood memories.
Malungkot at nakatungo akong nagsalita.
"But I don't know how."
