For the Heart Catcher (2015)

42. Healed

                 

I'll put it down on paper now

While the memory is still fresh in my mind

Here it goes.

It was three pm on a September day

Bright and sunny as life in May

I trudge up the stairs to the library

And spot you there looking over me

We didn't speak, just exchanged a glance

I might not get another chance

But I'm much too proud, or much too shy

And you don't care enough to just say 'hi'

So I sat down alone on a table there

Fished out my books and fixed my hair

You came by later to the printer behind

And I try to pretend that I don't really mind

But then you said my name, soft but clear

It seemed as if it's been fifty years

You joked and said that I've been ignoring you

We both kind of knew that's not really true

You smiled and asked how it's been for me

I say 'just fine', and it's the truth, you see

It's a surprise to know it's not a lie

To cover up any pain shown in my eyes

I can't remember when I started accepting it

Everything developed a little bit by bit

And when you left with a nod and smile

I know we won't be talking again in a good long while

But it doesn't hurt as much as it did before

Not even bleeding, just barely sore

And just now, I turned my head to see reality

For the last time to make sure that I am free

And there you stood, laughing with her

It's what you deserve - your happily ever after

I'm not going to be selfish and drag you down

I'm not going to cry for the joy you've found

Healed at last, I still don't know how

But finally – finally - I'm my own person now.

It's an hour later; I'm packing my stuff

This is still a moment I'll see in my dreams,

But I won't wake up crying anymore.

****

                 

This is another one of my more honest poems, because it's about someone that I actually liked (again Guy Number Four in Dear Loved One). It was after school, and I was waiting for my sister in the library, and then he was there. We hadn't talked in months, and I was still wondering whether or not I liked him. He called me, and we exchanged a few words. He told me that I was ignoring him, although really, it was more like we were ignoring each other. He left, and I was feeling happy that I spoke to him again, and then I saw him with his girlfriend, but I realised I was over him because I didn't feel any jealousy or hurt. Before, I used to think it was just a numbed feeling, but now, I'm just really glad I don't have interest in anyone anymore. I'm freer this way.