And I tried
After shoving my food into trash cans and claiming "I ate, don't worry!"
I tried to fix myself
Instead of eating one piece of pizza
I ate 5
Instead of being picky at the lunch line
I took everything that looked good
I tried to fix the ribs popping out of my chest
I used to love the body I owned, the thigh gap I starved for, the thin arms I reached down my throat to achieve
It's a cage of bad choices and lungs that's have breathed toxic air one to many times
The bathroom was my after school hangout
Kids ran around the playground or snacked on food in there backpack and I found comfort on a cold tiled floor covered in tears and blood
I was used to the familiar sting of vomit running out of my nose
I learned how to cover up puking with obnoxious loud music
Knew when someone was just far enough not to hear
Excuses flooded my mind and I swear
I swear to you
Even with bones looking as if they might break and nausea that showed when I walked
Every excuse was believed and every meal I snuck out of was forgotten
And now I'm trying
To forget about the time where my mom questioned if I was alright
Or when the toilet wouldn't flush
I can't trust myself alone with food because I'm not sure if I'll eat it or throw it away
I'm not sure if I can handle trying to add meat to the bones that I so desired to see
"How are you so skinny" well honey you do not want to know
"Are you eating" that's something that you don't want to know
I tried so hard to keep up
With my head and with my health
Alice fell down the rabbit hole once and managed to get out
So will I
I tried
And am trying
To not find myself outside a bathroom door with the desire to fall to my knees
I am trying
And I have tried
And I will try again
