Authors note: These are writings that have been locked away in notebooks for years (some since 6th grade). Some may be exerts from notes, some may be from a handy dandy journal. I am very fearful of loosing what I've scribbled down, so bare with me.
I urge you to skip to the actual chapters (if and when they are up)
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It is okay to hate yourself but remember one day someone is going to ask why and you'll forget that you used to curse at the sky every day before smearing on your eyeliner
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Even Nemo found his way home and so will you one day
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I really don't know how long to wait for you. You said not too long but it's Christmas and I'm lonely and seeing her with you is slowly killing me. I forgot what pain felt like because I'm always sad but I have never cried harder than when you looked at me
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Do not hold my hand like you hold hers, it hurts
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Maybe I need to put my phone away maybe I need to stop trying to be perfect maybe I need to quit repeating your voice until I puke maybe I love you isn't really worth much maybe being alone create monsters maybe you should try less it me too maybe im sick of you throwing me to the dogs until your thirst is quenched which it never is
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Correct me if I'm wrong but only phones should be put on hold not humans
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Carmen: n,
A curse dressed like a present
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Don't forget to buy hair dye because you are recreating yourself tomorrow
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Snowmen look so happy yet they will he gone in a few days
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There's a dam holding in my tears because my body is sick of repairing my mind and I have been ripped and sewn one too many times and the dams won't fucking break
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I made a submarine that dived into my blood stream to take the sadness away. It broke. I carved holes and crevasses to leak out what could not escape and eventually it would leak back in. Every time I got up my bones would penetrate my souls in attempts to create a suitable state of happiness. My limbs creaked and felt as if another body was meant to house them but I learned to shut them up by wailing to the sky about how the stars feel like they died
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Please don't leave me because even though you blame it on me you're the one who forgets to text back. Why are we so reliable on fucking phones
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So you asked me to show you my journal. I did. Two weeks later we needed paper for a fire, even though your name was etched on every page you asked to burn it
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Tell me I'll be okay. Tell me pain helps relieve pain
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I never understood why waves represented sadness until I was clenching my stomach attempting to scavenge the little air that remained in my lungs while my eyes were blurring and moving became too hard and now I'm drowning
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Someone told me I was pretty. Sweet comments flooded my ears and phone from people who believed they could create a princess when in reality I am a prisoner to another boy who lives down the road and is cuddling another girl whom I am not yet why do you still find comfort in me when you are sad? Why do I run back to you
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My chest is collapsing. The weight of l of your shit keeps suffocating me or am I just choking on my tears again, or my dignity, or the piece of me I gave you which you shoved back down my throat
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The holidays are my least favorite times. I haven't had gifts under the trees since I was little, there's one parent in the bed which I used to crawl into. She would rather sleep. I get pissy, I end up crying myself to sleep because we are just 2 people, 2 lost souls whose families they left for the holidays
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Who will fix me now
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I would hate to be a dog. Given away to the next best as if I am the worst. Maybe my eyes weren't enough but yours were sure pretty to me
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You told my my "lost cause" attitude isn't good enough, that stringing words together isn't good enough for you dear
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It's warm outside yet it is almost the next year and the greeting of the cold was always comforting because your arms were always warm for others who were not me and the cold reminded me that some arms are more inviting than others, while some only look for their next meal
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I do not get why even if I scream your name you are convinced it is her calling you to come back when it is really only me attempting to fall asleep in your arms again
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Broken dolls dance on broken strings attempting to crack their "no so porcelain" skin, attempting to smile, begging their puppet masters to provide a few more pills to numb the pain
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I couldn't bear to open these pages. I etched my poetry into my skin and onto piano keys which always sound out of tune. His car sometimes goes by and I drown it out with screamo and sad music in hopes the gravel outside won't crumble yet im always always to hear the knock on the door. Usually on Sunday's we would hang out but you're busy crying to me about how you love her and how you're not good enough. You always let me hang up first, right after you say you love me. There's a new guy who is too innocent and I feel if I tread a little his heart will shatter. Im too broke to fix him
P.s. I relapsed last night with FFDP playing in the background
P.p.s. You were at her house
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My horoscope also said something about being hopeless at finding love
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My biggest flaw is my incapability to speak how I felt. How I was constantly vomiting up notebooks filled with tear drops but eventually I realized it showed the world I was something to say
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My wallet has a piece of paper saying why I write
"to show others I survived"
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Man, I really need to leave.
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You held me. You placed me on your hips, forcing my eyes to look at what I could never call mine. Yet while I was searching for s glimmer of hope, a nod of acceptation, you were playing with my heart. "You're using me for company" escaped your lips. "You're using me for sex" came out of mine. I miss how both of ours touched. It's been a week. You don't know but I forget how to breathe when my hand brushes past yours. You kissed it. Each inch of my body discovered by your hands. Tell me if this feeling im the pit of my stomach is just a false thing or if you feel it too. Do your eyes, the blue ones, the ones who saw right through my eyes, still look for me in a crowd. You really don't care do you. I want I love yous not "hi", or glances from across the room. I want secret hugs and kisses in the hall before band, I want you to be mine
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When does the moment I feel like I belong come? I am sick, I am alone. Everything is on repeat. Used, alone, please help me. I can't do this anymore, my head hurts
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Im not okay and I want to be. Your arms wrapped around me help these broken bones stay together
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Im not even phased. Leaving doesn't scare me. Staying does. No ones around. I'll be okay.
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Nights are starting to get rough. Everything is too much. Come hold me. No one knows im not okay. I've ran out of things to put down.
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"Carmen I love you! I know sometimes shit happens and it's really hard to see why things play out the way they do, but I promise you, you can get through this. You can survive whatever nightmares that keep you from sleep, whatever little voices in your head...your demons. You are strong as fuck and im damn proud of all that you've accomplished. And if you every need anything, anything, I'll be here. You'd be surprised at how much I understand."
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Im not sure what's going on. I almost passed out earlier, leaning on the bathroom door. Ever since then I've had to remind myself to breathe. It's actually really scary. Im so light headed, maybe I should stop crying. I've drank so much caffeine to numb my tiredness but all I've achieved is shaky hands.
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There's makeshift sabotage in your mouth? Let me hold it. Stop swallowing rusty nails and crawling your way to something you don't even want. We are too young to make our fingers into fists, swollen knuckles won't do us any good. If you'd rather be born without a tongue then say the things you've said in the past, suck it up. You're apologies will always fall flat till you mean them. Sometimes I think we are drowning, or are we just painted that way. 89 Tylenol will only lead you to a charcoal filled vomit that you'll regret when telling your grandchildren. The next day you'll arrive at 1st period 3 minutes late, but smiling. No one knew you weren't okay, and fuck swam out of your mouth often. Stop throwing cat calls, and don't accept them. There is a storm brewing in your veins. Your perfume doubles as mace.
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Can I still get into heaven if I kill myself
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No one really likes a sad girl. All we get are the boys who think we are a chore. Someone to fix. Someone whom they must watch constantly, monitor our intake of food. Please do not treat me like I am a project, or your burden, or the girl who is oblivious to you using her when I damn well know you are but I've got nothing to loose anymore
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I got déjà vu but it didn't turn out the right way and I don't know what I did wrong
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I am on the phone with you. 3 shots of vodka erupt through your veins and you are slurring your words as if mine will always take up too much space. You're talking about her, you deserve better. I was better once
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There's a free whose roots kiss the tip of the soil, trying to lift itself up onto the sun
