Letters You Will Never Read

Graduation night.

I told you there are things I cannot say. I told you I have a difficult time being open with people, especially if I care about them, especially if I love them. I said, "Ask me one question." I wanted it to be different, because of who you are.

You said, "Tell me one thing you've never told anyone."

I smiled and thought about it. I said, "Nothing comes to mind."

I lied.

I wouldn't let you read this. I know that the likelihood of you ever finding this is small, and that is the only way it can be. Still, it would be nice to be careless for once, and leave this somewhere where it is at least possible for it to be found, however improbable that is. Anyone who does read it is unlikely to believe it, much less know who I am. Only you would...

I've never told anyone this since I started middle school, but when I was younger I was a model. Not by my own willpower. My mom wanted me to be beautiful, because she always wanted to be, so she dressed me up and did my hair and makeup. Looking back at those pictures I feel sick, how fake I looked doing all that just to make her happy. I'm not even especially pretty, but she wanted me to be. Since she and dad split she has firmly believed that I hate her because I never wear makeup and I don't dress up nice, no matter what I do to convince her otherwise.

But I have told someone else that, it's just been a while. What I've never told anyone before is that I do hate my mom. I tried to kill her when I was ten, and that was before they broke up.

I'm sorry that I lied, and even more sorry that I said anything. I just... you are different. You make me feel like I don't have to shut up, but I think I've said enough.

There's a reason I keep to myself.