Letters You Will Never Read

When I was ten

She was out, shopping.

One of her protein shakes was open on the counter. She hadn't finished it after breakfast; the things tasted like crap anyway.

I opened the medicine cabinet. Coumadin. It's used to prevent blood clots, by thinning the blood; mom takes it for medical reasons, since there is a clot in her leg and if it dislodges it could block her heart. The main ingredient is Warfarin, which is used in rat poison because in higher doses it causes fatal internal bleeding.

A few should do the trick, but to be sure I pour the whole container of pills into the drink and cap it, then shake the bottle furiously until the medication begins to dissolve. I put a few vitamin pills in the container and put it back in the cupboard; mom has never taken any of the pills yet and probably wouldn't notice the difference anyway. Then I pour a drop of the protein shake onto my thumb and taste it. Still tastes like crap. I spit it in the sink and put the bottle back into the fridge.

...

Today she mentioned you. I was helping her unload groceries, and she said, "Whatever happened to that boy you always hung out with?"

"Which boy, Mom?" I said.

"The one who looked like he was on crack all the time."

I shrugged, "Willem? He's busy now, got a job as a mechanic - "

She shook her head, frowning, "The other one. With the broken nose. And the ugly teeth." She snorted.

"Uh, I haven't seen him since he graduated."

"Oh good," She said, "The way he looked, I was sure I was soon to have an illegitimate grandchild on my hands." She didn't even  laugh.

I haven't said anything to her since then.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't given up, upon finding the bottle of protein shake in the trash. She wasn't even home yet. And no, I hadn't put it there. It was Dad.

The look in his eyes convicted me like nothing else. I all but converted; if it were possible to love my mom for my dad's sake, I would have. What was most impressive about it was that he understood how it was for me, even though he was disappointed... and I promised him, without saying a word, that I would be stronger.

Perhaps silence is not the strongest I could be.