Falling

Chapter 37

-Alexa's POV-

it has been four days.

four days for Ryan in the hospital and he still hasn't woken up.

the doctors assured me that his heart is still beating and I'm still clinging to a bit of hope.

they wouldn't let me in his room after I broke down the other day.

I couldn't see him laying there, with his bruises and the scars of the accident.

because I caused this.

"Alexa can you please just eat this?" Cath tells me whilst placing a plate of omelette on the bedside table. "here, I'll feed you"

I take a bite and start gagging until I realize I can't swallow it. so I spit it out.

"Alexa this isn't good" she shakes her head.

"I can't eat! everything tastes like metal!" I say wiping my mouth.

"Alexa" she swallows. "I've been watching you for the past four days and I personally think you should take a test"

"what kind of tests?" I look up at her.

"a... pregnancy test?" she says nervously.

"seriously Cath?" I snap at her. "I'm fine and I'm not pregnant" I blink a few times taking in her words.

"Alexa trust me-"

"you realize what you are saying?" I glare at her.

"I do" she nods. "I'm only saying this for your own benefit"

I look down at my hands.

can she be right?

if I'm pregnant then it's Ryan's child...

I haven't slept with anyone but him these last six months.

this can't be possible though, we were careful all the time.

but a something could have happened...

"I'm sorry" Cath says as she hugged me. "it might not be pregnancy, just forget what I said"

"no" I shake my head wiping a tear away. "I think I should take the test"

~~

"don't be nervous" Cath holds my hand. "even if you are pregnant, you must not be sad"

"Cath just please let's see the result" I take a deep breath.

"okay..." she nods.

"Cath?"

"holy shit" she mumbles. "Alexa, umm two lines... you are pregnant" she whispers.

I put my hand on my thumping head squeezing it.

what am I gonna do?

it's now me and... our child?

no, maybe Cath didn't see the result right.

"give me that shit" I mumble looking down at the result.

two fucking lines.

I walk back to my room silently, closing the door behind me.

"Alexa open that door" Cath says.

"I just need sometime alone" I tell her closing my eyes.

I can't deal with this alone, I need Ryan.

I missed him more than anything in this world, and I wonder what he would have thought about my situation.

would he be angry? would he be happy?

but what if he never woke up?

"no" I say through my gretted teeth as I hug my pillow close to my chest. "it's my fault, I will never forgive myself"

it's now two of us who would go through the pain of losing Ryan.

what have I done?

~~

"can I please go in? I promise I will be fine" I tell the nurse as soon as she comes out of Ryan's room.

"hmm, fine but please don't break down, they would blame me because I let you in" she opens the door for me and leaves.

"I won't break down" I whisper almost to myself.

I stare at him, and watch him laying peacefully, just like how I used to do everyday when I woke up before him, except this time with scars and a white bandage wrapped around his head and a few broken bones.

"I'm sorry" I kiss his cold hand. "I have something to tell you"

I imagine him awake and I start feeling nervous by the second, as if Ryan going to hear me...

"I don't know how to feel about it though" I shake my head as a tear fell on his hand. "I want to know what you would have felt hearing my news, because I'd probably feel the same. if you were happy, I'd be happy about it"

"you have to wake up to see the baby Ryan" I stroke his hand. "you have to be strong, and I also have to be strong!" I smile.

"from now and on, I'll eat well! and I'll be healthy and you will help me do this, we will hear our baby kicking my stomach, and we will start preparing for the baby's room in our apartment back in Omaha, God I miss it there" I say hysterically.

"Ryan you have to wake up" I whisper. "you can't just leave us, and everyone else"

"Ryan wake up" I cry shaking him. "stop doing this to me"

"Ryan, I'll keep our child" I hug him. "and I'll do whatever it takes me to keep it safe"

I drag myself out of the room before I break down and cause a scene in front of the people.

I spot Ryan's mom Jessica, and Sophie setting in the cafeteria.

I've been way too caught up with myself to even sooth them or keep them strong.

Sophie runs to me first and hugs me. "Alexa I missed you, and I promise that we will get through this"

"Alexa" Jessica gasps as she rushes to hug me. her mom follows as well.

"are you feeling better?" Mary asks looking at my face. "you must eat something"

"I'm better" I give her hand a light squeeze.

we stay silent for a while.

I'm not the only one hurting in this, they all feel the same...

"I'm sorry" I start. "it's my fault, I caused all-"

"stop" Jessica says in a low voice. "it's nobody's fault, and I'm sure Ryan will be fine" she says blankly and walks towards the door of the hospital.

"excuse me, I need to talk to Jessica for a bit" I tell Mary and Sophie after hugging them.

I run after Jessica fast to catch up with her.

"Jess, stop" I hold her arm and hug her to my chest.

"I can't cry in front of mom, I have to be strong" she says through her sobs.

"you are a strong girl Jessica" I kiss her forehead.

"I don't think I can take anymore though, it's just too much" she cries burying her head in her hands.

we set on a bench. "you can cry all you want now, let it all out" I say wrapping my arms around her thin body.

"you remind me of Ryan because I always thought of how much he loved you, and how much you meant for him" she wipes her eyes looking at the blue sky. "and I have something to give you..."

she hands me a folded paper.

"they found this paper in Ryan's apartment. and it's to you" she smiles weakly.

"thank you" I smile but immediately get nervous.

what possibly can be in that paper?