Falling

Chapter 42

1 week later.

I stroke Ryan's hair as he slept in his old room in Omaha.

he sleeps like an angel.

"I love you" I whisper kissing his forehead.

his eyes slowly flutter open and he immediately gets up, his body tensing.

"I-I'm sorry" I back away from him.

"my head hurts" he says wrapping his arms tightly around his head.

"Ryan?"  I walk over to him worried.

"the pain is huge!" he shouts his whole body shaking slowly. "I'm hearing voices" he shouts again.

I open the drawer and get his pills out. quickly opening the water bottle.

I bring the pill to his lips but he swatts my hand away.

he moves away from me to the further edge of the bed holding his head between his hands, he is crying and his body is now shaking violently.

he is having a panic attack.

"Ryan stay with me please!" I try to keep him focused, he looks up to me tears falling down his cheeks, but immediately looks away and holds his knees up to his chest.

Scarlett and Jessica are in school, Evan and Kate are probably at work. Mary went out to the cemetery to visit her husband.

I diall Sophie's number with my shaking hands.

~~~~

"what's wrong?" Sophie rushes upstairs.

"Ryan is having a panic attack" I cry.

"shit" she mutters and this is actually the first time I hear her cuss.

he was now at the corner of the room sitting on the floor and I wanted to burst crying.

"Ryan, Ryan stay with me" Sophie tells him her voice soothing. "breath Ryan" she holds his shoulders gently.

"count with me to ten" she whispers to him.

"o-one" Ryan's voice comes out choked.

"two" Sophie continues supporting him.

"th-th" he stutters.

"you can do it Ryan" she holds his hands.

"three" he says and his breathing is getting slowly under control, his shaking body is no longer shaking violently.

he continues counting to ten and he relaxes as soon as he finishes.

"great, you did it Ryan, you got through it" Sophie smiles softly and hugs him.

I stand digging my fingers into my skin.

it could've gotten worse if I didn't call her.

and I was surprised how she dealt with it.

Ryan hugs her softly and she strokes his back.

my beating heart slows down and I walk to Ryan kneeling in front of him. "everything will get better" I promise wiping his tears away.

~~~~

I walk with Sophie downstairs after we made sure that Ryan fell asleep.

"how did you manage it so well?" I ask her.

"umm it's something from long ago" she says looking up. "Ryan used to have panic attacks"

"why?" I whisper wanting to know more.

"I don't know if he ever told you" she says and I shake my head. "Ryan was a drug addict" she whispers.

my mouth drops open, he never told me!

"and he was taking medications in this place, he hated it there and he would always have those panic attack, he even had them after he got out of the medication center, and I helped him through them" she says looking at her hands. "it's hard seeing him like this again"

I still can't believe that Ryan went through all this and I never knew, I'm his girlfriend and I never knew.

"it stood in the way of too many things in his life, he was studying automobiles engineering and stopped studying it when these things came back to haunt him

"he came back to Omaha after his first year, and luckily I was there to be with him, at this time we knew each other for too long

"for one whole year, I've seen Ryan slowly get better, he no longer had those panic attacks, he completely got rid of his addiction, he was happy again

"then after months when he was completely fine, he went to LA and met you" she smiles.

I nod trying to take in all the story.

a bit of me is sad because I never knew these things about my boyfriend, my life.

I told him about all these things in Spain that I would never share with anyone, never.

but he couldn't tell me about his life.

I feel like I wasn't trusted enough for Ryan to tell me.

and it hurts.