random yaoi

All night long you drove me wild with your equations

Title: and all night long you drove me wild with your equations
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: NC17.
Warnings: none unless pwp is a warning.
Spoilers: up to and for 5x21.
Word Count: ~2000
Summary: wherein Castiel is human for good, and both he and Dean are set on making good use of the time they have left.
A/N: so months ago poor 0wyn gave me a birthday fic prompt that went like, Dean/Cas first time after 5x21. I actually did start it and then for some reason I never got around to finish it which is ridiculous because then I found it in the WIPs folder when this month I decided to finish all that I could. And uhm, so, happy very late birthday? I hope you like it anyway even if by this point we went through almost another whole season. /hides using for c_bingo falling. Title stolen from Josh Ritter. Sorry again for being so utterly late.

He had never thought it could be so much.

He also had never imagined that the day before what could or couldn't be the end of the world he would not have regretted losing his grace. By all rights, he should, because he doubts that guns, while after all useful, can be much help against anything that isn't strictly human, and practically human as he is, his chances of survival look quite dim.

It doesn't matter now, nothing of it does, because he hadn't realized that until he still retained some of that grace there would always be some kind of veil sheltering him from really,really feeling.

It's not like he didn't before. It's not like he hasn't learned what feeling means. Since he gripped Dean and raised him from Perdition he has gone through, at least, curiosity, anger, affection, betrayal, hope and lack thereof, despair, happiness, companionship and respect, even if not exactly in that order. And the more Grace he lost, the sharper, clearer, more overwhelming they became, but this is still nothing like it.

He has learned in a couple of days what real pain feels like, he has learned how it feels when the contents of your stomach end up scattered on the floor, he has learned that humans' feet hurt after they run for an entire day, he has learned what it really means to feel useless and then to feel a bit less useless.

It still doesn't compare to now. Because what he has learned in those two days, is pain (raw and real and leaving a real mark on his, his body - there's a reason why before going back into the house he excused himself and spent five minutes in Bobby's yard crying tears that tasted like pure salt for the first time, because he never really meant to drive Jimmy out the way he did, and it got to him just then fully). Now he's learning joy.

There's no other way to describe what's going on; he keeps his eyes closed because he just wants to take it all in. He needs to take in the way Dean's hands carefully, slowly trace his hipbones and he needs to commit exactly to memory how rough Dean's fingers are against his skin. He needs to commit to memory also that warmth which is spreading out from somewhere inside him, almost a substitute to that grace he held on to for as much as he could. He feels like he has been stripped naked; but it doesn't matter because right now he also feels like he's covering himself up again with new clothes that might not be as comfortable as the old ones but at the same time suit him better.

Dean's body covers his, slowly, without crushing him, and it should be making him feel cornered but it doesn't. It doesn't because it feels right in a way nothing else has quite felt until now, like they're made to fit against each other if only a bit awkwardly. There's something in the way Dean touches him almost like he isn't sure he should or like he's holding back but he really doesn't want to. And while Castiel doesn't want him to hold back either, for a short while he thinks he likes this. Because it seems like Dean thinks too highly of him right this moment, and to be truthful, Castiel himself hasn't thought of himself like that in a long time. It's nice, that for a moment Dean can do it for him.