Never Knew

Why

Me: "What do you want me to say Josh?" "I'm not going to let my life ruin anyone else's, it doesn't matter how I feel, I'm used to this, I'll be fine."
Josh eyes widened. His expression turned pained.
Josh: "It matters to me, you can't keep pushing me away."
Me: "I don't want to talk about it, just stop."
I felt tears in my eyes. I got up and felt pain in my ankle. I winced and fell back on the couch. Riley gasped and looked around startled.
Riley: "What happened?"
Me: "I got up and fell back on the couch."
Riley: "Are you okay, is your ankle hurting, I knew something was wrong!"
Riley was looking at me, tears were in her eyes, she was scared."
I patted her arm softly.
Me: "Riles, breathe, I'm okay, I promise, the movie finished, I just wanted to get up."
Josh looked at me, his expression was confused. He looked into my eyes.
Me: "I'm fine."
I made my way toward my room and inside. I felt a hand grab mine. Little sparks went through my hand.
Me: "Josh, I dont..."
He turned me around to face him. His expression was irritated. He shut my door, then looked at me.
Josh: "Now you're lying to Riley."
Me: "I actually miss you ignoring me."
Josh: "Why are you acting like this?"
Me: "Why wont you let it go, my ankle will heal?"
Josh: "You know that's not what I meant, your mom is barely around. You're always alone, I know that hurts you, you can't keep pretending."
I pulled my hand out of his, and walked over to my bed. I laid down and pulled the covers over my face.
Me: "It's my life, it's always been like this, I've given up on the thought of it getting better. Crying about it won't help, just..."
He pulled the covers off my face, then sat beside me. He looked upset. He moved my hair out of my face and looked into my eyes.
Josh: "Talking will though, just..."
I grabbed his hand and intertwined my fingers in his. His eyes widened.
Me: "Before, this would have made me feel better, but it's just a reminder that you'll never love me. You'll never hold me in your arms till I fall asleep, or kiss me goodnight. I thought I could get over you but I can't. You think you're helping me, but you're just making it worse. You're going to go back home and we won't talk for another couple years. Your family, Riley, they're my home, but you're my heart. I can't keep feeling this way, it hurts, I don't need anymore pain. I can't handle anymore pain. Just leave me alone please."
I felt tears falling from my eyes and I felt pain in my chest. I clutched my pillow to my chest. I heard him take a deep breath. I looked at him. He was staring at me wide eyed. Tears were in his eyes and he looked sick.
Josh: "Maya..."
Me: "No, j..just go, p..please."
I could feel the tears starting to fall. I shut my eyes. I heard him take a deep breath, then felt the bed move as he got up. I waited till I heard him walk out of the room and shut the door. I opened my eyes. Part of me was relieved that he left, but the other part of me felt cold and alone without him.