Confessions of the Lost

The Funeral

It had been a week since my whole world changed. I was still staying at Luke's house, even though our new one was ready. The boys were still moving everything in and I was unable to lift anything so I was no help. I also liked having Ann, Luke's mother. She helped me dress and do my make-up, even showed me a way to hide the scar on my face. I felt like I looked like the Joker, from Batman, I was just missing the matching scar on the other side of my face.  

I put on a white tank top and covered it with a lacy black blouse, this was the first day I had been able to dress myself. I pulled on a pair of black capris and finished it off with my black Converse. I wanted to look nice, but I still wanted to look like myself. Anna would hate it if I wore a dress.  

Once I felt I was completely ready, I walked out of my room and straight to Luke. He had been waiting patiently in the living room for me. I had been getting ready for almost an hour, changing at least five times before I decided to be myself.  

"All set?" Luke asked, standing up from the couch. 

"Yeah." 

Selene and Vanessa each gave me long hugs, wishing me good luck. Ansley and Eric just gave me tight smiles and a slight nod. They all knew I was taking a long shot. I was about to put myself out on a limb, one that I may have very well been pushed off of.  

"Good Luck, honey," Ann said from the kitchen door.  

The whole way to the funeral site I had mentally pumped myself up. I continually told myself to be strong and stand my ground. I needed to do this, I needed to say something and I couldn't be forced away. At least, that's what I hoped.  

I was told to stay away. Anna's mom made it very clear that I shouldn't even show my face, but I couldn't listen. I wouldn't be forced away again. I had something to say and they were going to hear it.  

When we pulled into a parking spot I climbed out quickly, not allowing myself any time to chicken out. I immediately spotted Anna's mom. She had on a knee length black dress. It was very conservative, which was very surprising. Her hair was combed straight and she looked sober. She was standing on the small stage that was placed in front of a large group.  

There had to have been about 40 people filling the chairs. The day was perfect with the sun shining bright, not a single cloud around to cover it, and the grass was such a brilliant shade of green; I found it hard to look away.  

Anna's casket was sat behind the group of people under a large canopy and covered in a ton of colorful flowers. Next to her was a large picture from Christmas. She was next to a lit tree, with a Santa hat on her head. She looked beautiful.  

I pushed my way through the crowd and forced myself to climb onto the small stage. Anna's mom shot me a look full of hatred as she pushed herself away from the small podium and made her way towards me, stopping me halfway up.  

"You aren't supposed to be here," She growled at me quietly.  

I squeezed onto Luke's hand, sucking out all of the courage his presence was giving me, "No, I'm not supposed to be here, but I am meant to be here." I let go of Luke and pushed passed Anna's mother. I looked back as I began my climb to the podium and saw Luke whispering something to her. Whatever he said made her pause in her pursuit to chase after me.  

"I'm Sam," I said as I reached the podium, "Some of you know me, some of you don't, but I was Anna's best friend." I swallowed the large lump in my throat, and willed my eyes to stay dry. "We were lost, Anna and I. We got sucked into the wrong things, and lived in them blindly. We were two girls just trying to figure things out. We made so many wrong decisions that led to so many large mistakes." I had the crowd captivated, including the evil mother. "I was lucky enough to make it out alive, but obviously Anna wasn't." 

I paused and played with the hem of my shirt. I looked over at Luke and he gave me an encouraging smile, Anna's mom had tears running down her cheeks, and as I looked onto the crowd I noticed I had sparked tears in them as well.  

"We got mixed up in the wrong crowd and I couldn't save Anna from them. I have come to realize that you can't save everyone. Sometimes you can't help but be lost, and sometimes you can't find your way back. That's what happened to Anna. It may have been my fault and you can judge me and blame me, but I did all that I could. Take her death, mourn it, but don't move on from it. Keep her in your heart, think about her every day, and learn from our mistakes." I took a deep breath to prepare myself for my finale. "Anna's death shouldn't be forgotten, it should be learned from. Take every day as a blessing and live in it. Cherish your friends and be there always for them, no matter how lost they are. Find someone who clears away the fog from your life and helps you find your way home."  

I wanted to say more, but the lump that had once invaded my throat was back. I felt the tears that were previously sitting on the edge of my eyes slide down my face.

"May Anna sleep forever peacefully in the clouds of heaven." That was what was said at the end of my mother's funeral. I stepped back from the podium and gave the crowd one last look, then walked away.  

The moment I made it to Luke he grabbed onto me and led me away. I didn't spare a glance for Anna's mother, I couldn't see her look of disgust, it would only ruin my resolve. I was doing everything I could to hold back the urge to break down, and she would only make it harder for me. I didn't need her hatred. I was proud of myself. I did what I needed to do and I didn't need her opinions to ruin me.  

Luke led me through the bright green grass and towards the parking lot. I squeezed his hand tightly, like if I let go I would float away. He was holding me together and I wasn't even sure if he realized it. I knew everything about Anna and what had happened would haunt me for a long time, but I refused to let it kill me. I had finally found myself and I wasn't about to let go. 

"Sam wait!" A feminine yell came from behind me.  

I stopped walking and turned to see Anna's mom running towards me. She had her shoes in one hand and her dressed bunched up in the other.  

"What?" I snapped. I felt Luke press himself into me, letting me know that he was still with me. I was grateful for that, but I knew he would never leave.  

"Thank you," She said breathless. 

"I'm sorry, what?" 

"No, I'm sorry. I wasn't the best mother, ever. I wasn't there when Kyle died, and I wasn't there when Anna died. I don't know if my presence would have helped in either situation, but I do know that yours did. You helped Anna through a tough time while I drank. You tried to help her, while I tried to get drunk. When I wasn't there, you were. Maybe that's why I hate you, I'm not sure." She shook her head to herself, while my eyes went wide, "What I know is that nothing was ever your fault and I'm so sorry I ever made you feel that it was." 

My brain was running over everything that she had said. I kept repeating it. Even though she had admitted she hated me, she also apologized. She said things that I had been needing, waiting, and wanting to hear; I didn't even know I needed that until I heard it.  

"Thanks?" I finally mumbled, not knowing what else to say.  

"Right, I know this is weird, but I just wanted you to know that." She didn't wait for me to say anything more. She just turned around and walked back to the group.  

Luke pulled me into him and placed a kiss on the side of my head, "I love you," he whispered.  

I felt as though a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. A load of guilt finally fell away and I was relieved. I felt like for the first time in my life, I was fine. My life was fine.  

"I love you too."

The End