He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Chapter 4

Harley awoke hazily, and blinked to clear her vision, because she thought she saw a man without a face bending over her. She kept blinking, but the image didn't change. Harley began to wonder if she wasn't awake at all – just in some bizarre dream world like that Alice in Wonderland book Jervis Tetch was so fond of, but suddenly the figure spoke: "She's awake, Joker."

And then the man without a face was replaced by the man with the face she loved most in the whole world. "Puddin'?" she whispered, beaming at him.

"How ya feeling, kiddo?" asked Joker, smiling. "That was a real stupid thing to do, wasn't it, pumpkin pie? Giving yourself food poisoning – only you could be that pathetic, you dumb blonde. You gave us quite a scare there, but Hush Little Baby says you're gonna be right as rain now."

Hush cleared his throat. "Joker, a brief word with you," he said, beckoning him away.

Joker nodded. "Boys, Mommy's back!" he called, and Bud and Lou rushed into the room, yipping excitedly and wagging their tails as they licked and nuzzled Harley affectionately. While she was distracted in petting and cooing over them, Joker joined Hush in the corner.

"You shouldn't ruin my reputation or deceive her by feeding her lies," murmured Hush. "She's not going to be all right. I don't want her last thoughts while she's dying to be Hush is a terrible doctor. I'm not. I'm an excellent doctor. And it's cruel to give her false hope when there is none. You should be honest with her, and tell her her time is limited."

"Well, I would, if that were true, Hushy," said Joker, nodding. "But it ain't."

Hush stared at him. "Just because you keep denying it doesn't mean it won't happen..."

"And just because you keep saying it will don't mean that it will happen," retorted Joker.

"It's medically inevitable..." began Hush.

"Medically schemedically," said Joker, waving his hand. "If you go by medical science, I should have been dead a least a hundred times by now. It don't know everything, just like you don't know everything, Hush a Bye Baby."

"And neither do you," snapped Hush. "And only you would be cruel enough to so horribly deceive the woman who loves you beyond reason. She's dying, Joker. If you had any shred of decency in you, you'd let her make peace with that fact."

"Well, I ain't got any shred of decency in me, Hush Puppy," retorted Joker. "I thought that'd be pretty obvious. I'm the Joker."

Hush glared at him. "I do believe I understand even your twisted logic," he muttered. "You are not so different from everyone else - you are merely experiencing the five stages of grief. You're stuck in denial..."

"Thought that was a river!" chuckled Joker.

"But you will soon move on to anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance of the situation," Hush continued, ignoring him.

"Sounds like the five stages of my relationship with Harley!" laughed Joker.

"If you want her to live as long as she possibly can, she has to be very delicately taken care of," said Hush. "She needs extreme tenderness and constant attention. Not just for her own sake, but also because the moment of her death is utterly unpredictable – it will likely come out of a clear, blue sky, and take no time at all. Even with the most gentle ministrations, which I doubt you are capable of, by the way, I don't imagine she'll last a week."

"Then you got a real small imagination, Hushy," retorted Joker. "Here's Eddie's address," he said, handing him the piece of paper. "Now beat it."

Hush glared at him but obeyed, leaving the hideout and slamming the door behind him.

"Ok, back off, boys, she's still recovering," said Joker, pushing the hyenas away. "How're you feeling, kid?"

"Lots better, now that I got my puddin' with me," murmured Harley, taking his hand and beaming. "Did Hushy say how long it would be before I'm on my feet again?"

Joker looked at her. "A...little while," he said, slowly. "Just try to take it easy, huh, kiddo? I know you got a problem doing that."

"Uh huh," said Harley, smiling. "Especially when I just wanna grab my puddin' and cover him with kisses."

"Yeah, you ain't doing nothing like that!" snapped Joker. "You're resting, ya get me? Hushy said you gotta relax, so I gotta take care of you."

Harley stared at him. "You're...gonna take care of...me, puddin'?"

"Yeah. Got a problem with that, you dumb blonde?" he demanded.

"No, puddin', of course not," she said hastily.

"Ok, then," he snapped, sitting down next to the bed and folding his arms across his chest. He was silent for a moment. "You want a glass of water or something?" he asked suddenly.

"Oh...yeah, that'd be nice, Mr. J," said Harley.

He stood up, and returned a moment later, placing a glass down by her bedside. "You wanna sit up?" he asked, holding out his hand to help her.

"Sure...puddin'," said Harley, still surprised at being treated gently by him. She was even more surprised when he tenderly pulled her up against the pillows, and then handed the glass to her.

"You need help drinking that?" he asked.

"No, I can manage, thanks, puddin'," she said.

"You sure? You ain't supposed to exert yourself," snapped Joker.

"Yeah...drinking ain't exactly an effort..." began Harley, raising the glass to her lips.

"But lifting your hand is, you stupid brat!" shouted Joker, intercepting her hand suddenly. "Let go, you dumb broad!"

Harley obeyed. "Now tell me when you've had enough," he growled, putting the glass to her lips.

"Puddin'...you're being real sweet," said Harley, slowly. "But I can manage to do things like drinking by myself. I dunno why you're being so tender – it ain't like you at all..."

"Hush a Bye Mountain don't think I can take care of you," retorted Joker. "So I'm gonna prove him wrong. Don't like that high-and-mighty, skirt-quoting doctor thinking he knows more than me. He don't."

Harley was silent, laying back on the pillows. "Now, I'm gonna sit here, and if you want anything, you let me know," he said, sitting down by the bed again.

"O...K," said Harley slowly. The minutes ticked by and she cleared her throat. "You think you could...get me another glass of water, puddin'?" she asked.

"You just had one, you greedy brat!" he shouted.

"Yeah, but I'm still thirsty..." she said.

He stood up furiously. "Fine, you useless waste of space! Honestly, I'm like a goddamn slave to you, ain't I?! Well, when you're feeling better, I'm gonna punch you hard for every glass of water you chugged down, you worthless dame!"

Harley expected, with the mood he was in, that the next glass of water would have some sort of toxin in it. But it didn't. It was a regular glass of water, which the Joker helped her drink again. Harley wasn't sure if she liked this – on the one hand, it was wonderful to see Mr. J being so sweet to her. On the other, it wasn't at all like Mr. J to do all this. But then, she reasoned, he was a man who liked his challenges, and if Hush had challenged him that he couldn't take care of her, she knew he would do almost anything to prove him wrong. And despite his caring actions, Mr. J still seemed angry – not necessarily at her, but at the world. But then that was hardly unusual for Mr. J. Harley never even considered anything might be really wrong with her. And that was exactly what Joker wanted.

"If...Hushy's right...it's gonna come as a joke to ya, pumpkin," he murmured, staring at her when she was sleeping later that night. "And that's how it should come. As one big, final joke."