Face Your Past

Chapter 7:

Blu,

I sit here watching you leave from my window. There are so many things I should say to you, to your face, you deserve that much. I promised to protect you, do you remember that? I know I failed. I want you to know I tried, in my own messed up way, I tried the only way I knew how.

            I put the letter down and wiped my tears, I couldn't continue. What was this? His guilt in a letter to me. I didn't know if I could read this in its entirety. What would it change? So he was guilty, he had abandoned me and treated me horribly, so what if he was sorry, it was a little too late to be sorry.

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             I went down to breakfast after calling my mom to let her know that I crashed here. My dad was sitting at the table looking a little broken himself.

           "Hey dad." he looked up at me shocked.

           "Oh Serenity, I didn't know you were here, late night?" he asked sighing.

           "Yeah, It was late and I didn't feel like driving, hope that's okay. You want some breakfast?" I asked, hoping to see him smile.

         "Nah, that's okay, I'm headed out in a minute. Gotta check on the boys and make sure they are actually working today," he said.

          "Oh okay, want to have dinner tonight dad?"I asked hoping for something, and there it was he smiled up at me.

          "You don't have plans? It's the weekend kiddo." He informed.

             "Oh you know, I'm a lame teenager, I think that dinner with my dad can be worked into all those exciting plans, that I don't currently have. I promise I'll call the girls after and see what they are up to or something." I knew that he would feel guilty if i didn't. As much as the man missed me, he didn't want to feel like he was keeping me from anything, probably the biggest reason he let me go to New York in the first place and he had enough guilt to deal with after convincing mom to bring me back here. He didn't think I knew that little detail, mom hadn't told me, but I knew.

              He nodded at me and smiled again. "Well if you're sure, then I would love to have dinner with you kid." he left smiling and that is exactly what I wanted. Talk about guilt, I was ridden with it, I had abandoned my father, because of fear. Sure I hated it here, but would it have really killed me to deal with this town for a weekend every now and then while I was away? I had thought so back then but now I really wasn't sure, I was having to face it for a year now, maybe if I had just came back more often, I could have been allowed to stay and not been forced back into this town. I knew why I was here and it was time I start making the best of it. Next year I would be back where I belonged and my dad would be here still and this time, I would have to come back to him more often, I needed him to know that my leaving, that my staying away had nothing to do with him.

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I know you probably don't believe that, because to you I didn't, I abandoned you. I convinced myself that I wasn't hurting you because I didn't actively partake in what was being done to you, but I suppose as true as that is, it still doesn't change what I didn't do, I didn't keep my promise as hard as I tried.

            I cleaned the house and tried to distract myself from the letter that I couldn't help but peak at every so often. I felt guilty reading it, I don't know why, it was addressed to me after all, but it was obviously never going to be sent. His need for forgiveness obviously wasn't strong enough to send this to me, it had never even been stamped, just sat in that old shed we called a club house for how long? Three years.