Dear Benjamin

Chapter Twenty-Three

Benjamin, I remember the day you left.

Very vividly, I must add.

I remember how hard your words hit me, how they washed over me and took me under, how I slowly drowned in your absence.

For a few days after that, I wasted away in my room. Isolated.

The first night, I cried. I cried so damn much I couldn't breathe, and until my throat was raw. My tears built up quickly and fell fast down my soaked cheeks, and my lips began to quiver and my shoulders began to shake. I didn't leave my bed, I didn't answer my phone. I just wallowed in sadness.

The next night, I didn't feel anything. I was numb, all over. I stared at the wall all day, or wrapped myself in bedsheets and curled up and didn't move for hours. My mind was blank, and I couldn't focus on anything.

The night after that, I prayed you'd come back. But, of course, you never did. I was waiting, praying from something that was never going to happen. You were gone, Benjamin.

I think the thing that hurt the most was that people tend to leave me more often than not, and I thought you were different. I thought you would've stayed.

Eventually, I got out of bed, Benjamin. I decided I wasn't going to hide out in my room any longer, waiting for a boy who left to come knocking on my door to apologise. I grew up, and realised that was never going to happen. So, I decided to deliver your letter to your dad.

When I knocked on your dad's hospital door, I heard a mumble from the other side. I walked inside, and I saw him propped up on some pillows as he flicked through a newspaper. He looked up and I offered him a shy smile.

'Hello, Mr. Hanson,' I said, quietly.

He returned a warming smile that reminded me of yours. 'Hello, Danielle. How have you been?'

'I'm okay, but, really, let's talk about you. How are you?'

''Ahh, yes. I'm doing quite well,' he said, nodding to the cast on his arm and to the tubes feeding medication into his arm. 'Oh, don't mind me asking but have you seen Benjamin, Danielle? I haven't seen him in a while, he hasn't been around to visit the last few days.'

I gave him a sad smile as I pulled out the envelope addressed to him. His smile fell when he saw his name written on the front, clearly written by Benjamin.

I stood silently, looking out the window, trying to stay calm. I heard him tear the paper open and I bit down on my bottom lip. The room silenced and I heard a long, heavy breath be realised. I turned to face your father, as a tear slid down my face.

'He's really gone, isn't he?' he asked.

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

'I'm so sorry, Danielle.'

I took a deep breath. 'It's okay. Really, it should be me apologising. He left a few days ago, but I only got this to you today. I'm sure he wrote down where he's going on the letter. He didn't want to leave you, he just wanted to leave everything else.'

I felt my heart break as a tear slipped from your eyes.

'I'll let you go, Mr. Hanson. If you ever need me, don't hesitate to call and I'm very sorry to hear about your wife, she is wonderful. Present tense.'

I sent him a small smile and headed towards the door.

'Danielle?'

I stopped in my tracks.

'Do you know where he is going?'

I shook my head.

'No, but I don't think he wants me to know either. He made it quite clear he is trying to move forward, and that involved leaving me behind, too. I now have to live without him, but that's okay. I will get over it. I will move forward, just as he is, but on a different journey.'

I smiled, but my lips trembled.

'Have a good day, Mr. Hanson.'

I wiped a single tear off my cheek and headed to the door, without looking back.