Silent Nights {Joey Bada$$}

four

My heart hurt. I laid in bed and did nothing while my chest ached.

I wasn't worthy and Joey made it known. No calls, no texts, nothing. Every time I'd try to get in contact with him, I'd be ignored. And to make matters worse, I didn't know anyone elses number to at last make sure he was alright.

To make matters even worse, my mother was making everything even more unbearable with her constant commentary. She was always making little quips or bringing him up or saying his name.

To make things even more worse, my heart still hurt over the loss of Steez. And it hurt for the loss of Joey. My heart hurt, my eyes burned, my chest ached and the rest of me felt numb. All while my brain worked in overdrive.

I constantly thought 'why did Joey say he needed me if he was just going to leave?' Why ask me to stay, why call me baby, why kiss me and hold me and make me love again if I was just going to be left at my mother's?

Left with my mother without a call or text. Left with my mother without a working heart because it felt like my shit had been ripped out of my chest, set on fire then stomped on.

I close my eyes tightly. I felt deserted. I needed him too. Just as he needed me, I need him. Like when he had cried into my chest, I deserved to cry into his. I wanted to be treated the same. I want his actions to be a reflection of his love for me.

If his current actions are that reflection I had asked for, he didn't love me. Or I loved him much, much more that he did me.

I needed to know that wasn't the case. We both loved each other very much, and that should be known. But I can't help but second guess myself. He was making me second guess myself. It was already proven I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't fit to be his. But I'd at least want him to tell me otherwise. Hear his voice tell me I'm strong so I wouldn't be eaten alive by insecurities. So I wouldn't be in the state I was in right now.

He could've prevented this.

It was so easy to shove all the blame on him. Why was I shoving all the blame on him? He didn't love me and I couldn't blame anyone but myself. I didn't try hard enough. Or maybe I tried too hard. Or maybe it was the fact that I was so easily consumed by insecurities. Or I'm too quick to assume he's doing me wrong. Or I'm too afraid of losing him so as I was trying to pull him in, I was pushing him away. Or I'm too mean and I start fights over nothing.

Maybe it was because I was someone who over thinks and it causes me to become like this, paranoid and a worrywart.

I wish I knew. It would've been easier to figure out if he was here to clarify for me. It'd at least calm some of my raging thoughts. It'd give me closure.

"Camille." My mother says, peeking her head into the dark room. That's what I've been doing this past month without Joey. Laying in a dark room, depressed and overthinking. "Get cleaned up, you got a visitor."

"Who?" Was it Joey? Was I wrong for getting excited and anxious to see him? She could probably read the questions I had from the expression on my face because she sighs and shook her head.

"It's not Joey, hun. It's some kid names Kwon. He says he's a friend of Joey's. You know him?"

"Oh, okay. Yeah." I say getting up. Maybe he's got some good news. I look down at myself. "Tell him I have to take a shower and get dressed and stuff. Then I'll be out there."

"Okay." She says, walking out and leaving me alone.

I took a shower and ended up having to force myself out once I had washed every inch of my skin. If I hadn't, I would've been standing under the water until it turned cold, thinking about Joey.

What did I do wrong?

I dress myself up in matching black underwear, gray sweats, a white tank top and some socks. I piled all my hair up into a bun. I then shuffle out of the room, seeing Kwon's messy afro as he sat down on the couch, fidgeting with his hands.

"Hey Kwon." I say, causing him to get up and turn to face me. He looks me over quickly as I search for something to say. Should I ask about Joey? What should I do? "Uhm-"

"Joey asked me to bring you to his house. He wants to see you."

"You're his messenger boy? I ask, looking him dead in the eyes.

I didn't know how to feel. After all, he left me and I broke down. I needed him to keep me strong and he needed me for the same reason. He told me he needed me for the same reason, but he lied.

"In a way, yeah. Or at least that's what it's starting to look like." He says, messing with his hair. "Some stupid sh-"

"Okay, so, I need you go back and tell Joey something very important." I say, crossing my arms.

I needed him and he lied. He wanted me to stay yet he left. Then he ignored me.

"Tell Jo-Vaughn I said fuck him."

I shouldn't have been cursing in my mother's house, but I didn't care. Because he didn't care. He'd rather leave and ignore me instead of letting me know anything. I wouldn't have minded if he just had told me why. That would've made this situation so much better.

"Cam-"

"And when you give him that message, add that he needs to lose my fucking number if he hasn't already."

"Really, Cam?"

"Deadass." I say, crossing my arms. I turn around and leave Kwon standing in my living room. He could show himself out and Joey could do the same. Except, not out of my living room, Joey can show himself out of my life. Fuck all of them niggas.

I take that back. I liked them. It was just Joey. I also didn't want to be that mean to Kwon, but I couldn't help it. The anger and hurt I held toward Joey had been taken out on him, and I didn't mean to. He was just the messenger.

But he was here and he was talking about Joey, and that just set me off.

I was done with Joey. I wasn't strong enough. I was losing patience and I was losing my understanding of his bipolarness.

I had lost him a long time ago anyway, so it wasn't much of a loss, was it?

I lay on my bed, closing my eyes tightly. My chest ached and my heart hurt. My eyes were starting to water up and I was starting to feel numb.

Maybe it wasn't the situation, wasn't Joey. Maybe it was my bed. Maybe there was some sort of... pollen on my bed that I was allergic too and it was very effective. Maybe there was something seriously wrong with my bed or my pillow and it was causing all of these effects.

Whether it was the bed or the loss of Joey, I had started crying again, and I couldn't stop.