Silent Nights {Joey Bada$$}

three

"I'm sorry to hear about his friend, Camille." My mother says, shaking his head. "But I told you he was no good. I knew they were messing with the wrong crowd."

"Momma-"

"Now listen to me, Camille-"

"No momma, please, listen to me." I say, sternly but gently. I don't want to offend her. "It was out of jealousy. Steez wasn't doing anything wrong, momma and to say he was is to taint his image. You don't know Steez-"

"And I take it you do, Camille? You don't know a person until you've grown up with them and have lived with them-"

"Momma, I may not have been close to him, but you know I'm a good judge of character." I say, giving her a small smile.

"So why are you here and not with that boyfriend of yours? You seem to always spend time with him and never any time with your family. You only visit during the holidays and you drag him along then leave to go with him to his family after you get yourselves a plate of food."

'Momma-"

"I'ont wanna hear any excuses, just answer the question, Camille."

"He's mourning. He needs his space."

"What type of man goes and mourns without his woman by his side? You're his rock, his queen! When he mourns, you're by his side."

"Yeah, well, not right now momma." I say, looking away. She's making me think I've done something wrong. And maybe I have. Maybe I've been too comforting, too close. Too overbearing. Or maybe I wasn't close enough.

"I'm just saying Camille. He should want you around."

"I must've done something wrong." I mutter, running a hand through my hair. What type of person am I? I tear up for something as small as this but not for the death of a good friend of the love of my life. "I don't know what to do momma. His friend just died and I don't know how to make him feel better. I'm trying so hard to stay collected for him, momma, but I can't."

"Camille-"

I couldn't stop rambling, and now tears were pouring down my face. "I've been trying, momma, but maybe I'm not strong enough. Maybe I can't be his rock momma. I'm not built for this, momma. And oh my God, Steez. They did him so wrong momma. They killed him in cold blood and it isn't fair!"

My tears were for everyone and everything. My tears were for Steez, his mother, Kwon, Dyemond, CJ, Nyck, Joey, everyone who had been mourning, everyone who felt some sort of way over this. Each and every tear.

"It's not fair, momma, they took him away too fast." By this time, she had her arms tightly around me tightly, just the same way I had been holding Joey, allowing me to cry into her chest. Just like Joey had, I had been crying my eyes out over the loss of Steez, despite my lack of knowledge for him.

Despite the fact that I felt like meeting him was a necessity and not a privilege. Despite the fact that I never ever made the effort to get to know more about him. He was the best friend of the love of my life. I should've known more. I should've attempted a friendship. But now it was too late. Now that he's gone, I realize my mistakes, as most people do. I'm here wishing for a second chance, but I won't ever get one.