Silent Nights {Joey Bada$$}

two

He grips my hand tightly, his head lowered as he looks down at the casket. Closed, just like how everyone agreed. If it was open, I knew there would be several breakdowns. Despite my lack of interactions with Steez, he was very influential. He meant a lot to not only Joey, but all of Pro Era -the group Steez and Joey created-.

"I don't think I can do this." He mutters, letting go of my hand and walking away. I quickly follow. He may have done so to get away from me, but I didn't want to leave him alone now. Especially after hearing his plans for the ones who put Steez in this casket.

"Joey." I call out once I get outside, seeing him place his hands on the wall of the church. "Joey." I say, reaching out to him.

"Just, give me some space, okay?" He asks, shaking his hands. "I need some fucking space."

"Yeah." I say, taking a step back. I respected it, even though right now I know he needed a hug. I look down at my hands, fidgeting. I would wait here for him.

"Jo-Vaughn?" Someone asks, walking out. I watch an elderly woman walk out, a black face veil/hat on her head. Steez's mother. You could see it in her face. The anguish, the pain, the sadness. All of it was apparent in her features, like Joey's.

He looks up, a tear falling from his eyes and she closes her eyes, moving to embrace him. The two of them tightly hug and I let them.

He needed his space from me.

My constant worrying and coddling weren't doing anything for him. Plus, this hug meant a lot for both of them. They were the last each other had of Steez that weren't pictures and songs and videos.

I quietly walk back into the church, making my way back into the large room where the funeral was being held.

"You cool?" Kwon asks me, making me look up at him.

I had never seen him in a tux and I'd probably wouldn't ever see him in one again.

All of Pro Era had been in tuxes, this probably being their first and last time.

"I should be asking you that, Kwon." I say to him. "Are you okay?"

"No." He honestly says, looking back over to the casket. "But none of us are handling it as bad as Joey."

"Yeah." I mutter, looking at Steez's casket.

It was too soon for him to go. I knew that one for sure. He shouldn't have died. There was no reason.

"I understand... why." I say, looking up at him. "Why you would want to avenge him."

"Yeah." Kwon says, looking down. "I, nah, we are all fully prepared for whatever's next."

"Yeah."

"Once everything's quiet, it's over." Kwon says, growing angry. "They'll get the same treatment they gave Steez. Except, they're deaths will be for a reason."

I place a reassuring hand on his arm, making him look down at me. He places a hand over mine, closing his eyes. "Thanks." He mutters, letting go and moving away. "I think I'm bout to leave. Being here..." He looks back at the casket.

I hate saying that word knowing someone with such a kind heart and soul was in there. I hate using that word to refer to where Steez prematurely lay.

But maybe it was for the best. Maybe death shouldn't be looked at like this, especially Steez's. He deserved freedom, and although he had been given it prematurely, maybe it was for the best. He deserved to be an angel, someone who has finally been given peace. He deserved Heaven and all of its riches.

"I understand." I repeat. What else could I say? I couldn't really say much more. I didn't know Steez too well, and although my heart hurts for him, his family and Pro Era, I couldn't feel as strong of an anguish as all of those mentioned. I felt as if it wasn't my right as well. I never really made an effort to become friends with Steez.

In my eyes, the only reason we ever met and ever interacted was because of Joey. He was Joey's best friend and Joey is the love of my life, and that's the only reason why we've ever seen each other. If he was just another person I had passed down the street, I would have paid him no mind.

The same goes for all of Pro Era. They were associated with Joey and therefore they were people I had met. They were important to Joey, therefore we had interacted. I felt obligated to meet them. They were an obligation, and although it's terrible to think so, it was how I felt. Just like how Joey felt it was an obligation to meet my friends. Friends I no longer had.

"Thanks." He nods, leaving me and walking out. I'm sure he'll see Joey on the way out and they'll have some parting words.

Until Joey came back, I'll just sit in a pew. There was nothing else I could do anyway. He needed his time with Steez's mother. I hope I don't sound passive aggressive while saying that, because that's not how I mean it in any way. I'm glad he's getting time with her. They needed each other in this time of need and maybe, just maybe, he'll tell her about his plans with the men who killed Steez and she'll be able to talk him out of it.

I hope that happens, but it probably won't. Joey wouldn't tell her. He knew she would have the capability of talking them out of it. He'd keep his mouth clamped shut. I hear the door of the church open and close, making me look back.

No Joey, just Steez's mother. I let out a breath, looking forward once more, keeping my eyes away from... where Steez was. I didn't want to say the c word anymore. The church doors open and close again, making me look over again.

Kwon, not Joey. We make eye contact and I would offer him a small smile, but now was not the time for smiles. He didn't need smiles, he needed time. He didn't need revenge either. He needed time to cry it all out, mourn his friend and then find peace within himself.

That's what they all needed.

"Joey told me to take you to your mom's place." Kwon says, making me get up.

"Uhm, I live with him though."

"Yeah. I know." Kwon says. "That's why he said your mom's place."

"I-I don't want to see my mom. I want to see him." I shouldn't be difficult right now. I should just let Kwon take me back to my mother's place. "I want to make sure he's alright."

"He's alright, Camille. He just... needs some time." Kwon says, looking away.

"Okay. Yeah." I understand that. I just wanted to be with him, since we're still together and all. I just wanted to be in his arms tonight, and for me to be here, making things harder for Kwon, who was just the messenger, is selfish and insensitive. "Sorry."

"It's fine. I just... need your mom's address."