Silent Nights {Joey Bada$$}

seven

"So, do you know who Joey was talking to on the phone?"

'Didn't know you were still stressing over that C.' Jamal says, making me look over at him. He a fucking lie.

"Yes you did." I say, crossing my arms and ignoring his growing smirk. The initial weirdness of talking to Jamal had left a while ago, and I didn't know how to feel about that. It's just, he was always around, watching over me as if my life was a movie. Making quips about the things I do on a day to day basis, telling me shit I wouldn't have known, reading my thoughts. I had gotten used to it. It became normal.

I wonder if that made me crazier than I already am. I'd never think talking to a spirit (or whatever he is, a ghost maybe? he did say guardian angel, so maybe he is a spirit) would be normal. I never thought I'd even talk to spirits. They never existed to me. Like ghosts or demons. They didn't exist.

But here he was, Courtney Everald Jamal Dewar Jr. Sitting on my couch or laying on my bed, whatever he felt like doing at the moment, talking to me.

Maybe I was going insane.

'I did know. And yes, I know who was on the phone with Joey.'

My interest was piqued. I needed to know.

'I told ya, C. Your worst enemy.'

"And I know my worst enemy ain't fucking Kwon." I say, grinding my teeth.

'Sure ain't. Now shhh, Joey's back. You don't want him thinking you crazy.' He laughs.

I roll my eyes, looking back down at the magazine, making it seem like I was reading it.

"Wassup babe." Joey says, walking over to me and pressing a kiss to my forehead. I haven't forgiven him or forgot, but I'll let it slide. Because he didn't know I had inside intel. If that inside intel was real and not a figment of my imagination.

'I'm not.'

"Hey baby." I say, then immediately frown. I smelled something sweet. Sweet perfume. And I knew I wasn't wearing any perfume. I grab him before he could walk off and pulled him back down to me, hoping to catch another whiff.

"Cam?" He asks as I inhale.

'Don't start no shit Cammy, but keep sniffing, this shit looks funny.'

I look up at him, giving him a smile and pecking his lips. "What did you do today baby?" I ask, a sweet smile on my face. It was fake as hell, but he ain't have to know.

"What, you think I was with some girl?" He asks, moving away.

I scoff, rolling my eyes. Me not start shit, huh? "Well, were you?"

"You been mad paranoid lately, Camille. Wassup? What's wrong?"

"I just.." Time to put on the the dramatics. I move the magazine out of my lap and look him in the eyes. "I'm terrified of losing you Jo-Vaughn. Please understand that."

"I do-"

"No you don't, Joey. The shit you doin is gonna put you in an early grave. You gotta stop looking for them niggas."

'Don't worry about them niggas, C. They already got them.'

"You ain't gotta worry bout nothing baby." Joey says, taking me into his arms and holding me tight. Now I really smelled the perfume. "I won't you baby. You ain't gotta worry about nothing."

'You gotta worry about a lot, C. Them niggas not a factor right now, but they a threat still. Plus that girl...'

I just needed Jamal to shut up. I wanted to believe Joey. I needed to believe Joey.

'What you need to do is grow a backbone and put this nigga in check. Don't believe shit he be saying.'

Why? Why can't I believe him? I want to so bad.

Jamal appears before me, a somber expression on his face which makes my heart drop.

'He cheating on you Camille. And instead of putting himself in an early grave, it's damn near everybody close to him. Including you.'

~

Joey left for hours upon end and I really couldn't bring myself to stop it. Jamal was begging with me to try, but I just couldn't. It was physically impossible for me to find the energy to stop Joey for bringing me and everyone else one step closer to their deaths.

According to Jamal, our enemies, mainly mine, thought it'd be best for Joey to be on his own to suffer, knowing everyone close to him died and having to live with it and know it was his fault. It was a price he had to pay, and our lives were basically meaningless.

Learning you were going to die is scary. I'd always known I was going to die, but it was something you always push to the back of your mind because you're too busy living. Everyone dies, but who really sits there and thinks about it? Even if it was the inevitable. It didn't matter, though. I was going to die regardless, I guess.

But there was just something much worse about knowing you were going to die before your time. Especially knowing the cause of your death would be your boyfriend.

Or maybe it was my time.

'Camille, get the fuck up.'

I can't. I just can't.

'So you want this shit to happen? You want him to basically end your life?'

"Maybe it's for the best, Jamal. Maybe it's my time."

'Okay, good point, but it's not. Trust me. It's not.'

"How can I trust you? You might not even be real! You could be a figment of my imagination! A testament to my insanity! You probably don't exist."

He's quiet for a moment and I just feel drained. Yelling took a lot of energy I just didn't possess. 'That's another good point. So alright. Go ahead. Continue to do absolutely nothing.'

I will.

'Aiight then.'

I close my eyes tightly, willing everything away. Including myself. I wanted it to be over already.

Would it be painful? Quick? Would they torture me? Let me off easy and just off me asap. Would it be a white blinding light or would it all be darkness?

"Cam you in here?" Joey asks, walking into the apartment. I inhale deeply, shooting up out of the bed and running to the closet to hide.

I don't know why, but I did. I felt compelled to.

"Camille?" He walks into the room and looks around. "Aiight then, I guess." He says, shrugging.

He probably thought I was at my mother's house of out getting groceries. The things I usually do.

His phone goes off and he pulls it out, looking at it and answering it.

'Watch this.' Jamal says into my ear, making me jump. I didn't know he was in this closet with me. I don't know why, he's always with me.

"Wassup?"

'Listen closely.'

"Nah, she's not home. What you tryna do?"

The tone in his voice made me sick. He must've been talking to her because that's the tone he uses when he's trying to have sex. I know.

'That's your worst enemy Camille. On the phone with your boyfriend.'

I scowl deeply. Way to rub salt into the wound. I could already hear what was going down. I didn't need any commentary.

"Oh bet?" He chuckles smoothly and I could picture the smirk on his face. "It's like that?"

'He hasn't done much with her though. He still has a guilty conscious about it, I guess. I don't know.'

"Aight then, Imma be out.'" Joey says, probably getting up. He had to have gotten up because I heard footsteps and the door closing.

I let out a quiet breath, closing my eyes tightly. I couldn't move at all. He was cheating on me and I just... I didn't know what to do.

I don't know whether to cry or kill this nigga.