Mismatched

to my mother

When I was 7, my parents were divorced.
My mother was sleeping with her boss of the time and when my father found out, he left.
I was with mum. She was blamed him for the entire situation and I hated going to his house every second weekend and I would cry and scream and I didn't want to go, but legally, my dad had me every second weekend until I was 12.
So I turned 12 and I told mum I wasn't going. Mum told dad and he continued to take my brother every second weekend, where I stayed home.
I'm now 15, 5'3" and 66kg and my dad hates me for it. He won't talk to me or see me and the only things I have from him are perfumes and rings that my mother guilt tripped him into buying for me for my birthday.
When mums cheating relationship backfired, and her boss of the time cheated on her with another woman she realised that the mess that he made her, he left.
She started dating.
The age of 8 I was ready to go to school, and my mother was locked inside her first boyfriends house and he starting hitting the table with a baseball bat.
That day my mother was raped.
Me and my brother saw.
After that mum had an endless chain of boyfriends, which I never trusted.
The second most recent used to touch me. It was innocent until he started slurring dirty words from that drunken, lip-licked mouth when I decided I wouldn't tell mum.
She loved him, but I knew she wouldn't believe me.
They broke up before anything happened to me and I told my mum and she never said anything. I'm not sure if it was guilt or anger, but she never said anything.

My mother has always been abusive. When I was 9, just after the first boyfriend incident I took the phone to call my friend without permission and when mum got home from work I decided to hide it behind the bed post, but at the last minute I changed my mind and hid it behind the dishwasher and I forgot.
I lost the phone.
I had a red plastic tub that was full of reading books.
She tipped the books onto the floor and angrily watched me sort through them with tears streaming down my face and when I couldn't find it,
She hit me with it
It was on my prominent cheek bones and the corner of my eye.
I got the next week off school so no one saw my bruise and I had to stay with my dad.

My mother never had time for me as a kid. You always hear people say "my mother always said" but my mother never told me anything. If anything, I learned to trust men with your body, and call rape when you decide it's over.
She never told us it was rape but we saw it and it didn't seem like rape, but I've never really seen any other rape incidents to compare it to but I do believe her. I learned things from my mother like what not to do. I learned that men take your money and if you let people in they will take advantage and that it's okay to yell and abuse your children if you send them off to a place that they were convinced to hate and give them time off school.

So all in all, if I die and all that's left of me is this living book id like to say

Dear mum,
Why did you treat me like a stranger when I was your daughter?
-Ashlyn