Mismatched

the blood in my veins

I don't eat anymore, and if I do I'll lie about it and tell myself I didn't. I'll throw it up or lay down wishing I didn't eat it, and even after I told you, you refused to ask me if I ate.
I'm the person asking "are you okay?" Right after I tell you I'm not. I'll say sorry for hurting myself or trip over and I'll laugh so hard I'll cry, but I wasn't really laughing. Just crying.
I ate today, and I'm lying on the floor wanting to throw up. I hate it, i hate me. A battle with myself is a constant war, never at rest. I can feel myself up at night, and I dream and dream and dream.
Although they aren't dreams, they're nightmares.
The nightmare of you breaking my heart and the panic and shallow feeling I get when you don't say you love me back.
We never had an "I love you" moment. You just said it, and I don't think I love you. Not really at least, and it makes me feel terrible. You love everyone.
I care about you, you make me get tingles and my belly flutters. You make me second think when I want to do something bad and you make me want to think about kissing you. I don't think that's love. I just think that's normal. Everyone wants that.
I don't think you love me either.
Sure, you love the idea of me, not me though. Sometimes I feel like lighting my soul on fire and letting the ash drift off into the wind, like a weird movie you'd see with your friends after getting super high.
Or depressed nights, searching desperately for some video on YouTube to take your mind off the emotional scarring on your soul.
Physical pain is the best, it only hurts until you learn to control the pain.
Emotional though, scars you. It lingers on your fingertips and you seem to poor it into everything you love and do.
Emotional pain is the worst. Like the feeling I get when you don't say "I love you" back.