Recovery (Book 2)

Fear

Flashbacks.

I'm scared.

Right now I'm falling faster than I ever thought I could, and I can't stop myself from falling further.

I had gotten better. I thought I was there. Over one month clean, that was good for me. It doesn't sound like a lot, but for me it was an eternity.

I lost it all in one cut. Two cuts. Three. I cut over 50 times on my leg. They mightn't have been big, but they still happened.

I want help. I know I can't do this on my own. I had built myself up, I was clean, I was socialising, I was being normal for a change and I lost it all in less than a week.

I'm back in a dark place again. Fear. Insomnia. Paranoia. Anxiety. I'm scared of what I'm going to do.

I spent an hour on Tumblr, just looking at different suicide blogs. I was triggering myself, I couldn't stop it. Tears running down my face, my body so badly wanting to reach for the blade that was less than a meter away from me on my table.

I'm scared of myself. I'm cutting my life apart.

At my lowest point, I had no friends. I isolated myself. I was quieter than ever.

The past month of being clean, I got back with some of my old friends, I made new friends, I grew close to Ella, Steph and Massey, and I was regaining control of my life. I felt genuinely happy.

But something changed. The past few days have been horrible for me. I've watched myself destroy what I'd worked for, without being able to stop myself.

I was supposed to be going to town with Ella, Massey and Steph on Thursday. But I text Ella and said I wasn't allowed to go. I lied. My dad was fine with it.

Liam messaged me today, seeing when I was coming back for a visit. I ignored his message.

I'm crying so hard right now. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared of what I might do.

Relapsing is the scariest part of suffering from a mental illness. You try to get better, you think you got better, but then it all slips away.

And right now I'm scared of watching my life slip away any further.

16/12/2015