Recovery (Book 2)

Dying

TRIGGER WARNING
18/1/2016

I hate myself so much.

That's the sane side of me talking.

I'm so proud of myself.

That's the insane side of me talking.

Sometimes I feel like my body is made up of two halves. There's two main voices that talk in my head. Well, one of them is me. But the other one acts like me, sounds like me, talks like me, but I know isn't me.

I feel so fucked up. It's like the sane side of me is trapped under the other side. Does anyone ever feel like that?

My nana noticed I wasn't eating much today. I currently weigh around 120lbs, through the support of my friends.

I feel fat. The voice is telling me I am. But the sane side is fighting back.

I took this thing online, where you enter your body weight and your age and height, and I scored 23.

Anything between 0-5 is underweight, anything between 5-85 is normal, anything between 85-95 is overweight, and anything over 95 is obese.

So I'm healthy.

But I don't wanna be healthy.

I wanna be skinny.

Even if that means being unhealthy.

I've never thrown up in the past. Well, sometimes I'd take this stuff which makes me throw up, but I only did that for a bit because my dad started to question where the stuff was going.

Today my nana made me eat. So I did.

In the shower, I couldn't help but feel fat. So I stuck my fingers down my throat and threw up. It was easy.

And now I feel happy because I know I can eat, but get skinny.

I can get away with no breakfast or lunch. I have to eat dinner.

But if I can throw it up, it means I'm losing weight faster.

School starts in 15 days. My goal weight is 100lbs, it seems so unrealistic but I want to get there so bad.

But I believe in myself.

I want to be skinny.

No matter how much it hurts.