Heart Out [Michael Clifford]

41. Now

CHAPTER FORTY-ONE:

We sat side by side in a doctors office, after I had watched Beverly pee into a cup. We did not speak, nor did we make any eye contact while we waited for the female doctor to return to her office. I listened to the seconds ticking by on the clock, the both of us having already realised that no matter what the results were, our relationship was as good as done.

"Alright, Miss Crawford." Said the doctor when she had entered the room again, ending the defining silence. She looked at the both of us, while I racked my brain trying to remember her name that she had told us at the beginning of this meeting. "It looks like you're pregnant."

The news hung in the air, neither Beverly, nor me, breathing. It was like the world had just frozen, as I tried to make sense of the news. How was it even possible? So many questions raced through my mind, and I was sure that it was ten times worse for Bev. I wasn't ready for anyone in the room to move, or make a sound yet.

"How is it possible?" Beverly asked breathlessly, voicing the question that was on both of our minds. "I've been drinking and smoking excessively."

"You'd be surprised just how much a foetus can survive." The doctor said, smiling at Bev. Beverly sunk back into her seat, her hand grabbing onto mine. My hand was limp, and I still refused to look at her.

"Shit." She breathed. I could feel the panic in her beginning to rise. I could feel her emotions beginning to climb, bringing her closer to a breakdown. "Shit." She repeated. I still couldn't bring myself to look at her yet.

"Miss Crawford, would you and your partner like a moment?" The doctor asked gently. Though I didn't see it, I knew that Bev nodded. The doctor got out of her chair, and told us that she would be back in five minutes.

"Alex, please say something." Beverly said, breaking the silence. I still hadn't plucked up the courage to look at her. "Please." She pleaded.

"This changes everything." I said after an eternity of starring at the paint on the walls, and the diagrams of the uterus and developing foetuses that hung on the wall.

"Does that mean what I think it means?" She asked softly.

"What do you think it means?" I asked, finally turning to look at her. I pulled my hand from hers, and tears started to well in her eyes. "You cheated on me, and got us both into this mess. Got yourself into this mess."

"I was drunk." She defended.

"That's no excuse!" I snapped, and then realised that we were still in the doctors office. "That's no excuse." I repeated, my voice lowered.

"What are we gonna do?" She asked after we had been silent for a while, arguing with our eyes.

"No, what are you gonna do? There is no we."

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(picture is Alex and Bev)