Let Him Go

Chapter 15

-Troye POV-

A/N: To eliminate pointless filler bc who wants that...It as been 2 months since Tyler and Troye last talked. Tyler is still writing for Binge and Troye is in the final steps of deciding which six songs are going onto the EP for Wild.

"Okay so I think that Fools and Bite can go on the EP for sure" I said to Connor who was sitting next to me on the couch.

"uh huh" he mumbled as me smiled at me "I like Heaven that should go on the EP also" he said looking over the list of songs again

"I don't know Con I don't think I fits the feel...maybe Ease it has that kind of feel" I said looking at him

Connor and I have spent the past two months together, I checked out of my hotel and was staying at his apartments for a while now. He meant the world to me, I almost forgot how sad it made me that Tyler had been ignoring me for months now....almost.

"Well, whatever you decide it will be perfect Tro" Connor said to me with a smile

"Thanks Con" I said softly

We sat in a confortable silence as I scrolled through the various songs and lyrics in my computer files.

"Hey Troye" he said suddenly and I looked at him

"You know that you mean the world to me right. I just- its just- um..." he began to stutter and I placed my hand on top of his and he calmed down

"do you wanna go get dinner, like a real dinner at a restaurant" he finally spoke

"L-like a date" I hesitated

"No not like a date, an actually date" he stated with a bit more confidence

"sure" I stated plainly as a smile spread onto my face

——

the night was perfect, we shared a quiet dinner in a small restaurant in LA. Connor was sweet and kind. When we walked around the small village of shops he slid his coat off and placed it over my shoulders, even after I tried to refused he insisted I take it.

But even as I sat on a park bench with my head rested on Connor I couldn't stop thinking about Tyler.

Wild was going to be released in 8 more months and then I go on tour, a tour that Tyler is..was...supposed to come on. Ya know...we talked about visiting every continent together, and this tour was a step in that direction. Now I am walking the line between fear and blame and I am being to wonder why I came, where did I go wrong? I lost a friend...

I my eyes started to water and I felt Connor sigh. "I'm sorry Troye" he said softly as he kissed the top of my head

"theres no reason for you to be sorry Con, just feeling a little lost right now" I replied refusing to make eye contact with him

"I love you Troye" he said plainly but I could feel the emotion behind his statement

-Tyler POV-

*possible trigger warning*

The funny yet completely horrible part about "over coming" an eating disorder and depression is that you don't ever really get rid of it...it pops up when you least expect it

I can't deny the fact that not only did it pop up again, but I was drowning. I felt tired and alone but I didn't say anything. Don't get me wrong I wasn't looking to end anything, I was living the life that so many people dreamed of living. I just couldn't get over the idea that if my plane crashed or if my car flew into the guard rail that I would lose all my responsibilities

no more interviews

no more tour

no more meet ups

no more sadness

no more thoughts of Troye

but my planes don't crash and my cars don't fly, so I control my life in different ways. I wouldn't call myself a control freak, but I need to be in charge of my own life. The only other person who knew what I was doing and when, was Korey. Korey is like the unseen brain of my entire existence, and I would quit youtube in a minute if it got in the way of our friendship

But thats not the problem, my controlling nature is. I never let anyone in, especially now. I finally let my walls down a couple years ago, I told Troye and Connor then about my anxiety, depression, and eating disorder and said that were all in the past. And for the most part, that was true, but if you spend the greater half of your plane rides imagining that the plane will crash...there is something going on.

So yeah there as shit going on, but I had no one, I have no one. The spot light and the constant attention from fans isn't all that everyone makes it out to be. I can't do ANYTHING without someone asking me about it 12,000 times. And while everyone was praising me and celebrating my growing followers and subscribers I panic as the number climbs higher and higher

6.5 million people watching my life and actions on video

4.6 million people watch me pretend to make witty banter in 140 characters

0 people know that I'm just a lost boy

But I push those thoughts aside for right now, I need to seem put together as the documentary crew followed me around. I know that it was supposed to be a no filter presentation of my life, but my people didn't need to know how bad the loss of troyler was affecting me.

as if on queue my phone began to buzz

Troye Sivan: Tyler I am kinda over this shit just answer me I just wanna talk to you

I scowled and rolled my eyes before returning my gaze to my computer

Troye Sivan: Tyler you are being childish can we just talk, I didn't DO anything wrong

Troye Sivan: I don't want to let go of our friendship Ty please don't do this, you mean so much to me

The messages kept popping up on my phone and computer as he sent them, inendating me with way too much at one time

Troye Sivan: TYLER are you kidding!! Why can't you just drop it and we fix this

Troye Sivan: you told me to go and I don't know when this became my fault

Troye Sivan: tyler please

Troye Sivan: tyler I'm so sorry if this is my fault

Troye Sivan: I didn't mean to hurt you Ty, I thought I was following my heart but my heart hurts. this hurts. this hurts so fucking much

I wasn't even trying to hold back the tears in my eyes as I got his messages, this was not Troye's fault the whole reason that I told him to go was to prevent him from heartache. Now I was causing it. Suddenly I could feel my stomach churning and I sprung off my couch into the bathroom, where I proceeded to empty the small amount of food that was in my body.

When did shit get so fucked up, I moved my body against the wall of the bathroom. I brought my knees to my chest and placed my head in my folded arm choking back sobs

I could still hear the faint buzzing of my phone on the sofa, which only made me cry harder knowing that now troye was probably calling and leaving me voicemails. I shook with tears of sadness and frustration at the thought of Troye's sad voice in my inbox

"fuck this" I whispered to no one

----

Heyy

Oh my god another random update...wow...would ya look at that.

Not much to say. Hope that if you peeps have finals that they are going well!! Have a good day/night/evening 

Okay see ya later :) <3