I dont go crazy, I am crazy and I just go normal from time to time.

entry 12

I need to move out. I am living with a narcissist and a discompassionate person. I feel like every time something goes right, the rug gets yanked out from under me again. I'm so emotionally screwed up that I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want someone close enough to me that they can rip my heart out. I'm too afraid of men anyways because of my early childhood experiences. I'm scared of women because my own mother abandoned me when James came along because I didn't like him. He abused both of us. I'm scared of being alone because all my life I've been told that I would never make it on my own, that I wasn't capable of anything. I'm scared of having friends because what if they get too close then tear me apart?(not saying names but my best friend dumped me when she found a boy friend or other friends but I am still here for her like the loyal dog I am). I am an emotional wreck. I hate myself. I hate everybody around me. It doesn't matter if you've given me a reason to be angry or disappointed yet, because I know, eventually, everybody will. In the end it's just me. What I have and what I have managed to do is all me. Nobody ever helped me. Nobody ever lifted me up.
Nobody ever told me it was alright and wiped my tears and had just been there for me. So yeah. I have no faith in humanity. I never have. If I look happy, it's just a mechanism to protect myself.
To everybody who thought they knew me: you don't know me. You never have. I would never let you in enough to know me. Ever.
To my mother: I'm sorry I'm not a puppet
To my narcissistic grand mother: I'm sorry you feel like I was never good enough.
To all my friends: I'm sorry I'm emotionally unavailable
To all my fake friends: I know you'll leave soon so why bother with me? I know I look happy but I'm not. I'm miserable. But then again I guess that's what you thrive off of.

I'm sorry I just never added up.