I dont go crazy, I am crazy and I just go normal from time to time.

you are my sunshine entry 2 (may 22, 2015)

I had a moment today where I just laid here in my bed and cried so hard I gave myself a headache. I reminded myself of the song you are my sunshine. The original by johnny cash. I cried because I remember when I was young and I was feeling bad or was upset about something, my Papaw always sang you are my sunshine or other Cash songs to make me feel better. Now, I am a rock music kind of person but when I hear almost any of the slower johnny Cash songs, I'll break out in tears. My Papaw was the only one I felt ever cared about me. Ever. My mother practically ignored me while she was busy with my younger sister and her abusive boyfriend, and later husband. I didn't know why she ignored me and I still don't know why to this day, she doesn't call or text unless I initiate the contact. I also don't visit her much because she is still living with her abusive asshole of a husband. He can't lay his hands on me and still call himself a man. When I was younger he had no right to whip me or yell at me. My Papaw was the only one who stood in the way of that abusive motherfucker.
You know how most kids sleep in the same beds as their parents when they're younger and afraid of the dark? Yeah well from the age of seven, when we moved to Mississippi and mama me that abusive step-ho, I never felt the urge to crawl into bed with her. I always felt like she wasn't even my mother.
And its not all the step-thing's fault for getting me drew and Shawn taken away by DCS no its also mama's fault for getting hooked on drugs and letting James be abusive that I haven't seen Shawn in 9 years and drew has to live with her father and perpetually bitchy step mother. Now I'm also living with mostly apathetic grandparents on mom's side. But really I got the better part of the deal.
After we were taken away, Papaw went to Chicago to live with my grandmother's brother, Charles, or as most people called him, Sonny (yes my name is also sunnie). He became depressed but would still call me almost every night and sometimes he would ask me to sing "you are my sunshine" and of course I would I pretty much lived for our hour long phone calls just before bed.
But I had no idea that for a long time, he had kept a secret from me. He had leukemia. He was dying. Of course he had been in the hospital before, but when I went up there to see him, I didn't know that it would be the last time I would see him alive ever again. I of course I told him I lived him and he told me how much he loved me and I gave him a teddy bear like he gave me when I was sick in the second grade. Then I went home, I'm my happy little bubble. I know he didn't want me to know, I was maybe 10 or 11 I don't remember but I was young.
Two weeks later meme, my grandmother, got a call from uncle Scotty. She sat me down and told me how Papaw died and told me that there were some things that he wanted to give me so when we went back to Chicago, I could that he had left me our old safe that I would hide things in and he would hide his valuables, and his big brown teddy bear that I got him last time I was there. It still smelled like him.
I still have the safe which took me some time to figure out how to open because I forgot the code and all the cards he gave me and the two bears. I miss him singing to me that I was his sunshine.

I miss him but I know he's in Heavan. No one as sweet and kind and gentle as him could ever be left out of Heavan.