Self Service

Open Letter

Priscilla sat down at her laptop with a mug of warm milk. She could hear Scott and Lyle out in the hall talking and was sure that Marguerite was in Janice's room. None of that mattered to her right now.

She went to her blog and opened a new entry, titling it A Letter to My Son. She released a sigh, rubbing her belly.

Dear Peter,

I am all at once terrified and captivated by your existence. I didn't plan to ever become a mother. Your father, on the other hand, has been all for this journey. We can both thank him for you being here today. I'm more grateful to that than I thought I would be. You have taught me so much about myself. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for just existing. You're the gift I never would have asked for but that I actually really needed. Speaking of which, I needed you out my body like yesterday.

I never knew that I could feel a love in this capacity. But forgive me, son, if at times you think that I am cold or distant. Forgive me, son, if I am callous and abrasive. Forgive me, son, if I am blunt and sarcastic. That is not what is in my heart. This will be a journey for the both of us. I will have to grow with you. I never want you to doubt my love for you if I am sometimes with you but I am not present.

I named you after my favorite person in the world. Your uncle would have been so happy to be here with us. He'd be right there in your room with your daddy, helping him spoil you rotten. Your uncle was everything I hope you can be. I gave you a name with so much meaning because I love you.

You have become the center of my universe. You're not even born yet, but I dream about your future. And if you don't live up to who I or your father want you to be, I assure you that we will love you anyway, Peter. Because you will still be great in your own right.

I couldn't give you a perfect world or a perfect mother. But I promise to always do my best. You deserve all the love and happiness I have to offer you. You deserve me to dig deep and find more love for you each and every day that you exist until I no longer do.

Your mother is not one who dreamed of motherhood and a living doll. Your mother is one who went her whole life trying to avoid this type of journey. I never imagined before you became mine that I would ever enjoy any parts of this. I do, though. It gives me a sort of comfort to feel you gently kicking. When I'm up in the middle of the night, it's great to feel like I have a little company.

I am happy, at least, that I can give you the type of home and environment that I could not have growing up. I am happy that you will never have to worry about your safety on the way to school, or if your clothes are too small and tattered and your mother struggling to buy you new ones. You will get to have both of your parents consistently in your life. You will know a father's love. If I could have done nothing else, for you, Peter, I am happy that I chose a man who would love you.

I hope that you enter the world in perfect health. I also hope that you haven't damaged my bladder too badly.

I look forward to you evacuating the premises. I'll be happy to hear your crying in the middle of the night and feed you. It will mean that you have stopped kicking and punching my kidneys. There's plenty of space in the house, and I would like it if you had your own.

Love,

Mom

After signing off and attaching a photo of her latest sonogram and then one of herself and Scott with them holding her belly and kissing, Priscilla posted the blog and got up with her milk, nearly running into her husband. "You wanna go to lunch with Margot and Lyle?"