"Why do you get so angry when he's not around? Your hands always shake and your eyes never meet anyone else's,"
He spoke to her as he lit up his second cigarette.
With her eyes emptily staring ahead of her, she answered,
"I don't get angry. I just get upset because I can't tell if he needs time alone or if he's sick of me and wants to leave. It hurts me because i know i wouldn't be able to handle it if the same person left me twice, i'd never forgive myself. He's always so distant and i'm always so insecure and doubtful. It hurts, you know?"
"I think when you're in love with someone, its your biggest fear to lose the one you love the most."
Another inhale, another exhale, another cigarette passed.
"But what if the other person doesn't have that fear? Does that mean you're pathetic?"
She stared at him, waiting for him to speak.
"No, that just means you care... It's not your fault that the other person doesn't feel the same, you can't control how they feel and that doesn't mean you have to stop feeling this way towards them,"
He said quietly before turning his attention to the lit cigarette between his fingers.
She looked at him for a while, trying to read his eyes before looking away in defeat.
"I don't want to, I promised myself after the last time that i wouldn't care about him so much that it kills me but I cant stop thinking about him and it sucks."
He chuckled coldly and fixed his eyes on her face,
"Did you really think you'd stop caring about him? You love him. Why would you want to stop caring just because you think he doesn't love you?"
Taking a long drag from her cigarette, she shook her head and tried to swallow the lump in her throat. After a while she spoke with a trembling voice,
"I truly thought I would but i just, fuck, i just look at him and i hear his voice and his laugh and all the promises i made to myself go away. He makes me feel so alive and free and happy and so in love and i think for days on end about how i'll never be able to love anymore more than i love this man."
She stopped, her voice cracked and she dug her nails into her palms,
"but, why does it hurt if its love? Love's not supposed to hurt you and make you feel so anxious that you can't even sit still."
He sighed loudly and then spoke after throwing his cigarette and stomping on it,
"Why do you feel anxious about it? What makes you feel this way?
Is it because you think he doesn't love you like you love him and that he's gonna leave again?"
He didn't understand, she wasn't surprised. She shook her head and let her tears flow down her face,
"Yeah, maybe that's it. Its just this indescribable fear that i'm always gonna be the one who's gonna be more attached. I'm terrified that he's gonna leave and i'll be the one who won't be able to forget and let go and move on. I'm terrified that even if i do move on, the only thing on my mind will be him and his voice."
His eyebrows knitted together and he questioned her with a tone of confusion,
"But why do you have to let it be a fear that you love someone?"
She stared at him for a few minutes with disbelief, let out a chuckle and spoke with pain laced in her voice,
"Because i know what he's capable of. I mean, i understand the whole thing because i've been through it and i don't want to irritate him by being clingy and let him be alone."
She sniffed,
"But i deserve an explanation too because i'm always here just overthinking and assuming and blaming myself for it and it kills me. I can't even stop doing that because it comes naturally with me, it just stings."
She looked at him with eyes full of tears,
"Thats what he did last time, he kept making excuses so he didn't have to talk to me and kept avoiding me and on the third day he told me he couldn't do it anymore. Maybe that's why it bothers me so much."
"....."
He was silent, he didn't know what to say. He felt useless. He couldn't even make his best friend feel better and so, he stayed quiet.
She noticed the silence, she felt it biting her bones. She took one last drag of her almost burnt out cigarette and apologised,
"I'm sorry, i'm just hurt. I shouldn't be hurt over such a small thing haha."
He sighed and looked at her,
"I'm sorry."
Sniffing silently, she spoke in a cold voice,
"Me too,"
Before she walked away from him.
YOU ARE READING
numb
Poetry"he's colder than ice but god, he lights up a fire in my chest." a collection of sad words about numb skin and cold hearts
